The Pregnant Infertile ?

It never leaves you. The fear, the worry, the stress. It’s still there, bubbling just beneath the surface waiting to rear it’s ugly head. This is what infertility does. Pregnancy won’t be this worry free, blissful experience and I always knew that would be the case. But I never realized the real impact it would have. I am in a constant state of disbelief that this actually worked. There is actually a baby growing inside me. It is completely unreal. And I am in a constant state of fear and worry. Every second of every damn day. In fact, today I am not even sure there is a baby in there at all. Maybe it’s all a dream & I will wake up any second covered in blood.

And I don’t know where I belong anymore. Do I still belong to the infertile community or do I move over the the pregnant and fertile community? I feel like I don’t belong to either group. I am in limbo and I don’t know how to handle that. I made my home here with women facing the same struggles, but now I am worried you will all resent me. Do you feel anger that I am pregnant? Because every once in a while, I feel guilt. As I type those words, I realize how insane that sounds. But that is where I’m at today… Fear, disbelief and guilt…

God is SO Faithful

I wrote the following 16 days ago… Update at the very bottom!

Today is a day that will go down in history as one of the best days of my life. Hands down. After 2 1/2 years of trying against all odds to bring a baby into this world, we beat infertility. I am officially pregnant.

Doing IVF for a second time was a long shot in our minds. We thought it would never happen, we would never have the money, it would never be the right time and we would never have biological children. Then something amazing happened. Our family and friends not only prayed for us but donated THOUSANDS of dollars to us so that we would maybe, just maybe have one more shot. And then we thought we’d have to put the rest on credit. But we didn’t have to. We received enough money to pay for our entire cycle, $10,000. Our hearts were so full. What did we do to deserve such an outpouring of love and generosity. We didn’t feel deserving, we still don’t.

So we jumped in head first and as you all know, we retrieved 8 beautiful mature eggs and 6 of those eggs fertilized with ICSI. 11 days ago we transferred 2 grade A embryos and froze the last 4. And the wait began. We prayed. All day, all night, in my dreams, during work meetings, at doctors appointments, while I binged on Sons of Anarchy to pass the time. I constantly had a mental dialogue with God going… thanking him for the support we have around us and for all of our blessings and praying that he would finally fulfill the desires of our hearts. And he did. Just like that, he made our dreams come true.

My beta today was 203. My nurse was so excited about that number and giving us the good news. I got the call at 11:19am at my desk at work and nervously let it go to voicemail. I left immediately and drove home so that E and I could listen together. Thankfully I only live a mile from my work and Eric had taken the day off. And then I heard it… “I don’t know if you’ve peed on a stick yet……… (the longest pause ever)…. but your beta is 203. CONGRATS!!” I screamed, jumped on top of E and started sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I will NEVER delete that voicemail.

Guys, God is so good. SO GOOD.

Update: My second beta was 409 and we had our first ultrasound on Tuesday and there was one perfect little baby. We saw the flicker of the heartbeat! UNBELIEVABLE feeling. Nothing in the world compares. NOTHING.

Grow Babies, Grow!

Just a quick update for everyone… we currently have 6 embabies growing at the clinic! There’s my lucky number again!! ❤  We are over the moon!! Transfer will be tomorrow morning. In the mean time I took the day off work and I am going to get a full body massage at noon. Working on my relaxation for the big day. We am so anxious to get 2 of those babies back where they belong.

Thank you to everyone for all the support and well wishes. This TTC community has changed my life!

love love love,
S

8. Eight. 8.

I started writing a blog this morning about bitter infertiles I have encountered recently, but I will save that for another day because right now I am too excited to rant about that.

My egg retrieval was this morning and we got 8 eggs!!!! Last time we got 14 eggs but only 2 fertilized because we opted out of ICSI due to financial reasons (forever kicking my ass for that decision). But this time we are doing ICSI and potentially assisted hatching, so I feel much better about the potential babies. I am so anxious for our embryo transfer on Saturday, we are ready to get those babies back where they belong! Saturday is the perfect day for the transfer, the date is 6/6… and 6 just so happens to be my lucky number! That has to be a sign, right?

Right now, I am feeling pretty crampy, sleepy and groggy I am just lying around in bed with the fur babies and being waited on by E. I’m going to try and go to work tomorrow, but we will see how I am feeling. In the mean time I will just be day dreaming about my babies!

Send prayers our way for a good fertilization report and a successful transfer!!

love love love,
S

Giving it to God

How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.

I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.

love love love,
S

I’m a Horrible Blogger

It’s true. I have disappeared one too many times. I’m not writing to tell everyone I am back for good. Because I don’t really know. But I do have good news. Not THE good news, but it’s good news none the less. E and I just started on our second cycle of IVF!! I started my injections yesterday morning. They changed up the protocol this cycle. I am not taking the daily Lupron, but instead will be taking Cetrotide. Also, we will be doing both ICSI and assisted hatching this go round. We are feeling really good about the cycle. I am only working part time now at work, life is much less stressful and I feel like the timing now is better than before. We will be returning to Cleveland FOR GOOD in about 5 weeks and will be surrounded by family the entire pregnancy. We both feel so good about life right now. This is it. I just know it.

So, I started an Instagram to follow our journey through IVF to delivery (fingers crossed)! You can follow us at babyG_IVF

I will be posting there a lot more often than on here. It’s just easier to post a picture than to sit down and write an entire post. But I am still thinking of all my TTC sisters on here all the time. I pray for you all daily and I thank God that I found this community that has offered me so much support the passed few years. I am so blessed to not only be surrounded by love in my personal life, but virtually as well. If any of you have Instagram pages following your TTC journey, comment below and let me know your username so I can follow you!

love love love,
S

I’m back. For today.

Today is a bad day. Yesterday was a bad day. The day before that was bad too.

We had so much hope in that picture. That was taken moments after 2 beautiful rated “great” embryos were transferred into my uterus. Immediately afterward we went to Target and blissfully purchased two 3 month sleepers. One boy, one girl. We celebrated at our favorite Mexican place for lunch. We told everyone we were pregnant until proven otherwise!!! We never thought we would be proven otherwise.

They had retrieved 14 mature eggs. We decided not to do ICSI for financial reasons and only 2 fertilized. We took that as a sign. We would be bringing these two little nuggets home in 9 months. We wouldn’t need the rest to freeze. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

Tuesday night, the eve of my beta test, I took my first hpt in MONTHS. It was positive. VERY faint positive, but positive none the less. Within an hour I started spotting. I dismissed it when it stopped. I went in for my beta the next morning and went about my day. They left the results on my voice mail so I could listen once I left work. It was positive… but it was low. And I don’t mean 20 low. My beta was 6. They explained it could be a late implanter or it could be a chemical. But they were worried. Then I started bleeding very heavily. It hasn’t stopped and I am passing clots now. My doctor required me to do a second beta this morning and I am waiting for those results. Miracles happen but I know in my heart it is over.

I have sobbed. I have screamed. We have pleaded with God for this embryo to fight, fight, fight! We needed this baby. We have prayed for this baby for 2 years. My faith is shaken right now. I am trying so hard to cope and to understand why God has paved this path for our lives. I don’t get it. I am constantly questioning why we do everything right and still lose. We are at rock bottom right now. I have never seen E react the way he has… we both broke down last night. In the midst of all of this things are crazy at his work and it is so much to carry right now.

I don’t know what’s next. Financially we don’t have another $9,000 to spend. We didn’t have it the first time. We had to charge some, my Dad gave us money as well. Where do we go next? I refuse to give up on our dreams for a family… but what is our path? I just don’t know anymore.

Please say a prayer for us tonight.

PS I don’t know how often I will be posting. But you all have been on my heart so much lately.

Mama said there’d be weeks like this?

My week started bad and just got worse. Let me break it down for you.

Tuesday I was supposed to start injections for my first round of IUI. I was nervous all morning before my appointment. I was not looking forward to starting this while E was gone. The nurse starts to prepare all the drugs then remembers she has to go over my blood work…. My estrodial was high. VERY high. So she brought the RE in and did an ultrasound to see what is going on in this crazy body of mine. HUGE endometrioma (chocolate cyst) on my right ovary. Like giant. Bigger than the one they removed at my surgery in January. He said my ovaries look bad and he couldn’t believe I just had surgery this year. He brought in the other RE and the two of them and the nurse looked over my scans. All 3 agreed IUI is not the way to go right now. Then they dropped the bomb… they are fairly certain IUI will never be the way to go and that my tubes are likely blocked. I still have my HSG scheduled for next week, but none of us have high hopes. They started me on birth control to regulate my hormones and prepare me for IVF in January. BIRTH CONTROL. Like… really? I have been ttc for nearly 2 years and now I am taking birth control. I always knew IVF was a possibility but I NEVER thought it would be my only option. If this HSG confirms our worst fears, I will never conceive naturally.

My heart is completely broken. I left the doctor sobbing. Returned to work, shut my office door and cried on and off all afternoon. Sobbed on the phone with my Mom the entire way home from work. Sobbed alone on the couch all night.

I prayed all day that I would finally hear from E and I could cry to him. God answered that prayer. I finally heard from my husband late Tuesday night. I started crying the minute his number popped up on my phone. And he knew just what to say. He told me we will be fine, we will do whatever we have to to have our family and that it will be fine. We will be fine. We will be fine. And we will… It’s just going to be a long bumpy road. I am so thankful I have him to walk down this road with.

So, Wednesday I scheduled a last minute chiropractor appt because all the stress from the passed couple days had gone straight to my back. I hadn’t been in months so the Dr. was asking me what was going on. I told him it was stress and explained that I was struggling with infertility. What did this idiot man say to me in response you might ask?! “It could be worse.” & “Count your blessings.” & “You can always adopt.” SERIOUSLY? FUCK OFF. Yes it could be worse, I could be dying from cancer but DO NOT minimize my pain. Fucker. If I wasn’t in so much pain I would have left his office. But I NEEDED an adjustment. Needless to say I will not be going back to him.

The bad news doesn’t end there. E was supposed to be home from Ft. Polk this week… it got pushed back to next week. No idea why. They are done with their training and are pretty much just sitting around. My guess? Lack of preparation. They probably didn’t book the buses far enough in advance to bring the guys back to Bragg. Typical Army bullshit. It never ends.

I have been able to talk to E all week since he now has his phone back, which is nice. But I am just ready for him to come home. It has been a long month.

So that’s my week. I hope and pray everyone else had a better week than I did! And thank you so so so much for all the kind words on my last post. I am so blessed to have found this community.

Mama said there’d be days like this

Today that ache in my heart is overwhelming.

Another pregnancy announcement. Another friend who confides in me and only me that she is expecting. Another meltdown in the work bathroom. Another night crying into ice cream that will make me sick. Another night questioning when enough is enough, when it will be my turn.

Some days that ache is just breath taking. Today is that day.

I need my husband.

The End is Near!

Week 3 of E being gone. Week 2 of no communication. I am missing my husband like freaking crazy. I have always been very independent, but it is so hard to go from talking to someone all day every day, spending every night with them, curling up with them in bed every night to… loneliness. Thanks to the Army, I have become fairly good at the drastic adjustment, but our time away is usually a few days, a week or so at max. Never this long and definitely never this long without talking. I am ready for E to come home. I am done, over it, I’m waving the white flag!!! Enough is enough. Thank God, we are on the tale end of his training in Louisiana. He SHOULD be home this week some time.

I made a to-do list of things to get done while he was away. I LOVE lists. So far I have tackled:

1. Organized our bedroom closet. Mainly our massive amount of shoes. I finally bought a shoe rack and one of those plastic stacked drawer things for some of E’s Army stuff (By some I mean 1/10th of it. We have an entire bedroom FULL of the rest of it).
2. Decorated for fall! I made a new fall wreath, decorated our mantle and hung other fall/Halloween decorations around the house.

3. Cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Tupperware overload. I got it all organized and in a workable system.
4. Yard work… okay. So not all of it, but I just mowed the back yard and that left me in a pile of sweat even on this cool 60 degree morning. For some bizarre reason, our front yard is a different type of grass and doesn’t really grow. So that can wait.
5. Scrubbed the floors. Our house is mostly carpet (EW) but the kitchen and bathrooms were in major need of a good scrub.
6. Cleaned both bathrooms, scrubbed the tubs and toilets and organized the cabinets.
7. Bought new couch pillows. I have gone through about 5 sets already. I just couldn’t find something I LOVED. But I finally found them!!
8. Organized our office files. I have been hoarding paperwork since I was in college. It was purge time. I went through all our files and threw away all the junk and organized the rest into a nice little filing tote.
9. Stocked the fridge for E’s return. I like to take care of my man, he works hard and is an amazing husband, so why not? I made sure the fridge and cupboards are stocked with all his favorites!
10. Ordered and picked up our journaling bible. I have been looking to get a journaling bible for a while now. I immediately flipped to my favorite verse. Hebrews 11:11.

“By Faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was passed the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.”

11. Printed out 8×10″ mounted baby pics of E and I for the bathroom. I have had this project planned for months but just never got around to it… I mean, how cute were we?!

Still to do:
1. Wash and vacuum both our cars. I’m going to tackle that today. It’s the perfect day to do it, it’s beautiful outside!
2. Run to the Wine & Beer shop and put together a 6 pack for E. E loves trying new beers. We are lucky that we have a little shop in town that carries random beers from all over the world and allows you to create your own 6 pack. It’s pricey, but worth it. And it always makes him happy.

So aside from all that I have been busy being stressed the fuck out over this IUI cycle. I am on CD2, so I have to go in for blood work tomorrow and then I will start injections probably Tuesday. I was really counting on E being home for that part, but life never goes as planned, does it? My period came 4 days early… oh well. Such is life! I am going to have a girlfriend come over when I do my first injection (Unless by some miracle of God E gets home early enough). The following week I will have my HSG and then shortly after my very first IUI if everything is clear! I am praying for good results. I’ve been dealt so much bad news, I could use some good news for a change!

Happy Sunday!!