Prisoner of Hope


It’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote… I guess I’ve been slacking. The truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot lately… TTC is exhausting and it’s wearing me out. Clomid isn’t working. In fact, all it’s doing is screwing up my cycles and giving me anger issues. I’ve been snapping at everyone, over the littlest things. My temper has always been short but this is just ugly. My faith is being tested for sure right now… I have been feeling hopeless.

But then I met C. One of my very best friends has talked about her as long as I’ve known her. I felt like I already knew her when I met her last night. I don’t know her whole story, but this is what I do know… she was struggling with ttc for a while. She tried IUI, got pregnant and that ended in a miscarriage. But she and her husband tried again and now, she’s like 7 months pregnant. And healthy. And happy. We didn’t even talk about her IUI attempts or how long she had been ttc. But just seeing her adorable baby bump and her pregnancy glow last night was the hope I needed. This is NOT impossible. I WILL be a mother someday… an amazing mother. That day will come, I am 100% sure of it. These struggles will be worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms.

I had a follow up this week with my doctor. He is concerned that the Clomid isn’t working right. My LP was only a week long last month, which is not normal. If this month doesn’t work, he has me starting Clomid at CD3 instead of CD5 and at a higher dosage. I will then have another follicle US and possibly a trigger shot. We discussed other options, maybe trying Femara or injectibles. But that is further down the road. E came with me and was full of questions. Having him here for me and knowing that he is just as invested in this as me, is such a comfort. I am so blessed. He really is amazing. The doctor looked us both in the eyes and said “I will get you pregnant. This isn’t impossible. It’s just a matter of how.” I needed to hear that, so bad.

In other news, E’s parents are coming into town from Southern California this week. They get in Friday and are staying for a week. I wish I could say I am excited. But his Mom is a passive aggressive bitch. Pray for me. lol

Since it’s Sunday I feel it is only appropriate to talk about what I am thankful for today…

Kitty snuggles before bedtime
Footloose … currently watching, I’m obsessed
Being completely settled into our new home
The fact that I work full time and won’t have to spend every day all day with my in-laws next week
Pink Sands Yankee Candle
Living in the South, where it’s 80 degrees in April


10 thoughts on “Prisoner of Hope

  1. great post. I’m feeling the same today. Was feeling bereft fri/sat but then my friend whose 40, had 2 mcs finally met her baby girl today and all went well. totally given me new hope and renewed motivate to make this month the magic month.
    I’m also going to do a things to be grateful for! my friends doing 100 Happy Days, at first I thought it looked cheesy but now I’m thinking might be the right way to get me being positive again. x

    • Sometimes all it takes is to see proof that this isn’t an impossible journey to renew your faith! The struggle will totally be worth it in the end.

      I have a few friends doing that 100 Days Happy thing too, maybe I’ll do it too! I’d probably do it on here though, I don’t want to bombard my friends IG or FB! haha

      • That sounds a good idea on doing it on here. Maybe I might do 7 things that made me happy this week and time it at the end of every week.
        My SIL asked me how I can be so ok around friends with babies or pregnant but I’m still happy for them and it does renew your motivation. X

  2. Thanks for being so candid. We’re here for you when you want to write and when not! I’m a few cycles behind you, but feeling the same with clomid–it’s changing my cycles that were previously pretty regular! As far as the passive aggressive MIL…Sorry!! I have some friends that are like that and it is painful. I know it sounds hokey, but my strategy for those people is to be SO positive and full of light it makes them uncomfortable. Their negativity has no hold then. This scripture has been speaking to me lately and maybe will help you: “‘For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE'”-Jeremiah 29:11. Keep strong!

    • Sorry for the late reply! And thank you for sharing that scripture. It is so hard to trust God’s plan sometimes when it doesn’t match your own plans… I always need to remember His plan is greater than mine!

      Oh and Clomid is a mean little thing, huh? I’m ready to have my life and emotions both back under control! Lol

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