I’m back. For today.

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Today is a bad day. Yesterday was a bad day. The day before that was bad too.

We had so much hope in that picture. That was taken moments after 2 beautiful rated “great” embryos were transferred into my uterus. Immediately afterward we went to Target and blissfully purchased two 3 month sleepers. One boy, one girl. We celebrated at our favorite Mexican place for lunch. We told everyone we were pregnant until proven otherwise!!! We never thought we would be proven otherwise.

They had retrieved 14 mature eggs. We decided not to do ICSI for financial reasons and only 2 fertilized. We took that as a sign. We would be bringing these two little nuggets home in 9 months. We wouldn’t need the rest to freeze. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

Tuesday night, the eve of my beta test, I took my first hpt in MONTHS. It was positive. VERY faint positive, but positive none the less. Within an hour I started spotting. I dismissed it when it stopped. I went in for my beta the next morning and went about my day. They left the results on my voice mail so I could listen once I left work. It was positive… but it was low. And I don’t mean 20 low. My beta was 6. They explained it could be a late implanter or it could be a chemical. But they were worried. Then I started bleeding very heavily. It hasn’t stopped and I am passing clots now. My doctor required me to do a second beta this morning and I am waiting for those results. Miracles happen but I know in my heart it is over.

I have sobbed. I have screamed. We have pleaded with God for this embryo to fight, fight, fight! We needed this baby. We have prayed for this baby for 2 years. My faith is shaken right now. I am trying so hard to cope and to understand why God has paved this path for our lives. I don’t get it. I am constantly questioning why we do everything right and still lose. We are at rock bottom right now. I have never seen E react the way he has… we both broke down last night. In the midst of all of this things are crazy at his work and it is so much to carry right now.

I don’t know what’s next. Financially we don’t have another $9,000 to spend. We didn’t have it the first time. We had to charge some, my Dad gave us money as well. Where do we go next? I refuse to give up on our dreams for a family… but what is our path? I just don’t know anymore.

Please say a prayer for us tonight.

PS I don’t know how often I will be posting. But you all have been on my heart so much lately.

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29 thoughts on “I’m back. For today.

  1. I am so unbelievably disappointed for you. I hate that you are stuck waiting for another beta, and I hate that you are facing the prospect of losing your little ones. Sending you love and hugs as you get through the next few days and the weeks/months ahead, whatever the outcome may be.

  2. My heart hurts for you and unfortunately, i’m very familiar with these feelings you are going through. Don’t over analyze and please don’t lose hope. It will happen. Allow yourself to mourn and be sad…. but know that your future bab(ies) await you. xo

  3. ahh girl! I am so sorry for you! I know this is so disappointing and hurtful. And know that you are questioning everything right now and it’s okay to do so. Let the feelings come. Cry them out. Pound your fist on the pillow and take your anger to God. He won’t be surprised or turn you away for it. He will only want to wrap you up in His merciful arms and hold you close. I will never forget the feelings I had when my IVF didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. My first beta was good…but then the second, the doctors were worried something wasn’t right and within a week I miscarried. I was heartbroken and even talking about the weather would send me to tears. So with that said sugars, please know that I am praying for you and I’m here for you. Love ya! xo

    • Thank you so much for the kind words. You always know just what to say. I cried over pizza last night btw, so you are not alone! lol Today I woke up and for the first time didn’t immediately cry. Baby steps. Thanks again!! ❤

  4. I’m so, so sorry you are having to go through all of this. My heart sincerely aches over what you are going through. I wish I could explain God’s wisdom in all of this. I can’t. Many times I don’t understand Him myself. But i am praying for you and believing that He holds your hand and walks you through your grief and loss. So diffficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Belieiving God that somewhere down the line this will all make sense and God will bless you doubly for all your have endured. When I faced my losses, I held on this verse: Those who sow in tears will reap in joy. Praying for an expontential blesssing to come.

    • Thank you for the kind words of support. When your world has been shaken it is so hard to keep faith in His timing but I am trying so hard. My heart is aching for myself and for everyone else in my shoes. I hate that infertility is what has brought us all together, but I am so grateful God put all of you in my life. Thank you again.

  5. You’ve got my prayers. I’ve been where you are. More than once. My heart has felt this same ache that you are feeling right now. So I know you are hurting and angry and frustrated and much more. So I will pray for you. I am still praying and hoping for my miracle. Every night when I pray for my own rainbow baby, I pray for all of my infertility “sisters” to get their rainbow babies too and you are on that list. Lots of love!

    • Thank you for the prayers and support. This is such a horrible path to walk, but I am so thankful to God that I am not walking it alone. You are in my prayers as well, we will get our miracle babies. I know that God put these desires in our hearts for a reason. ❤

  6. I can’t begin to imagine our utter heartbreak when your hopes were smashed to bits…but I can empathize a bit. We have been trying for 2 years as well and although we haven’t traveled the same road as you have, we are now letting nature take its course…one way or the other. Although my heart still sinks the day my period starts, its nothing like the disappointment of being shattered over and over. I hope you find the calm whichever way the wind takes you. ❤ ❤ ❤ You're not alone.

    • Thanks you love. While I wish no one else was experiencing infertility in any form, it is comforting to know I am not alone and others understand these feelings I have. Praying we both get our happy endings!

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