Bloodwork, HSG & IUI. Oh my!

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My RE, myself and my lovely hubs have decided to give IUI 3 tries before diving in to IVF. My previous Dr. felt like IUI wouldn’t work because of the severity of my endo. But it costs $250 with our medical insurance, which is a HELL of a lot cheaper than IVF, so I figure it’s worth a few solid attempts. So, our plan is to schedule my HSG for early next cycle (sometime in the next weekish) and then, pending my tubes are clear, we will start injectibles and then IUI! Dear God, please let this work!

At my appointment last week they took TWELVE vials of blood. My right arm gave out at 11 so they had to take one from my left. My arm hurt for about 3 days afterward and had a pretty bruise. One of the many perks of infertility.

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So, in other news… E is still gone. I haven’t talked to him for about a week now and it’s torture. I am ready for the Army to give him back. He should be back within the next 7-10 days but I really have no idea. Everything is so up in the air. All the time. One of the many perks of being a military wife.

Can we just fast forward 2 weeks?

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CleveLand that I LOVE.

Wow. I haven’t posted in a month. Where has the time gone? When people say the older you get, the quicker time flies by, they are not kidding. It’s almost Christmas. SAY WHAT? I am not ready. So where have I been? Uhm. Here. In lovely Fayetteville wishing I was anywhere else. Oh! But I did get away with E for one WONDERFUL long weekend in Cleveland. We made the drive home (my home, not his) to see my friends and family. It was jam packed. But here are the highlights…

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I met my 4 day old God Daughter, Madelyn Rose. I am now twice a God mother! Such a blessing!!!

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That’s my handsome hubs playing with Madelyn’s big sis, Savannah. He is going to be such a good father!!

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My Dad chartered a boat and we headed out on Lake Erie and went fishing with my siblings! We caught almost 200 perch!

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E and I went to the Cleveland Air Show with my beautiful Mama!

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We went to a Lake County Captains baseball game! That first pic is E and me with my oldest & closest friend (going on 3 decades!!) and her hub. She is pregnant with her second and due on Oct. 18th! I believe I have talked about her before. Her first daughter, Ava, was stillborn at 33 weeks. She has come so far and I am so so so excited for this little one to arrive!! Second pic is my 17 year old baby sis and myself of course! Last one is both my baby siblings and me on the way to the game!

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We went bowling with two of my best friends and my amazing God Son, Davin. That little boy is the light of my life. I love him like he was my own. And isn’t his mama just beautiful!?

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Lastly, on our last night there, we had a big fam get together at my Aunt’s. That would be my (not-so) little cousin giving us a private concert. He is INCREDIBLY talented and at 15 plays with the Cleveland Orchestra.

After that crazy whirlwind weekend with the most amazing people in the world, we have been laying low at home. Well actually I am laying low at home alone. E is at Fort Polk for a month for training. He left Wednesday and I have almost thrown about 5 full blown temper tantrums because I miss him. I hate being away from him. It never gets easier.

The day E left, I had my IVF orientation on post. It was basically a PowerPoint presentation telling me everything I already know. I meet with the RE on Tuesday to start a game plan of my treatment. I am really hopeful this doctor will be able to help me and will try things my previous doctor hadn’t tried. Fingers Crossed!!

Dirty Thirty

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Guys, it’s happening. In 5 short days I am turning THIRTY. My feelings on this? EXCITED! I truly lived my life in my twenties. I went to college, I dated all the wrong boys, I partied, I learned to stop partying too much, I grew closer to my family, I started a career, I took a leap of faith and moved 9 hours away from my family to start a new life, I fell madly in love and got married, I laughed until I couldn’t breathe and cried just the same, I have felt heartache and triumphs and I have loved every minute of my crazy life. I am ready for my thirties! I am ready for everything God has in store for me and I have such faith that he will make these the best years yet!

When I was younger I really thought 30 was this awful number. I would never be 30, let alone proud to be 30! But here I am.

Also, I really need to thank you all. I have found such an amazing support system through my blog. I cannot even express how much all your kind words, thoughts and prayers mean to me. Not only do I have the most amazing family and friends, but I have been blessed with amazing women to share this journey with online. I am one lucky lady. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Infertility is a hell of a thing, but when you have people to hold your hand through it, it’s bearable.

Sickness and Missing E

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It has been a hell of a week. Last Wednesday I got sick… and I am still sick. I have been battling an upper respiratory infection and pink eye for over a week now. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours at a time because I cannot stop coughing and I am completely exhausted. Oh and I was in the ER. So just shoot me please? In the midst of all that my period… I think… came. It was more like 3 days of spotting accompanied by absolutely ZERO cramps, like not even for 30 seconds. Not even a twinge of pain. I haven’t even tested. I don’t even care right now. I mean, I do… but I don’t. I am exhausted. I am stressed out. I am sad.

I am officially on the January IVF list for Womack (Military hospital at E’s base). Until then the RE wants to try IUI and whatever else to get me knocked up before then. Well, that is if I can get into the RE. They were supposed to call me for an appt this week. I haven’t heard anything. I left a vm today, so I’ll probably get a call back tomorrow. Here’s to hoping. They have crazy hours and are super busy because they are the only RE in like a 100 mile radius.

E is currently in the field (playing Army in the woods) until Tuesday-ish. I HATE when he is gone. We do everything together, and I always feel like there is a void when he’s not around. He’s my best friend, I want to spend every single day of forever in his presence. In Sept. he will be in Louisiana for 3 weeks with zero communication so that’s basically going to fucking suck. We have been talking more and more about him getting out of the Army. Before, this idea would have scared me. It’s a good life. It’s stable and comfortable. But it isn’t an easy life. In October he will be on 2 hr recall to deploy for an entire year. THAT is not easy. It’s not easy sending him off to training or war or wherever the Army decides. It’s not easy thinking about him missing out on so many firsts for our future children. And that is why I want him to get out. I am just ready for a normal life… if that even exists.

I am meeting some random chick tomorrow to sell my ipad mini. Here’s to hoping I don’t get kidnapped.

Very Inspirational Blogger Award

I spent all morning typing and deleting and typing and deleting. I just couldn’t find the words to say and I was feeling slightly lost about the purpose of my post, and what audience I was trying to reach. Most of the time, I admit I put very little thought into my posts pre-typing… the words just come out and it’s, more than anything, my therapy. But this morning something felt different. I knew I had something to say, but I didn’t know what or why and I was lacking inspiration. So I closed my laptop and went about my day, deciding against posting at all. But then I got a notification on my phone from the lovely, inspiring and WAY too sweet lady at A Calm Persistence. She has recognized my blog with the Very Inspirational Blogger Award. I am honestly kind of speechless. I have never once in this journey considered myself or my blog inspirational. I started this blog with very selfish reasons. I needed a place to vent and to sort out my feelings as I navigated the unfamiliar world of infertility. I was hoping to maybe find someone, anyone who I could relate to and who would not judge me for my barrenness. I have found so much more, I have found a family of these exact women. All of us are experiencing very different things, but still we share the same struggles and the same desire to be a mother. Thank you so much to A Calm Persistence for the recognition!!

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To accept this award, here are the things you need to do: 1.  Thank and link the amazing person(s) who nominated you. 2. List the rules and display the award. 3. Share seven fun facts about yourself. 4. Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated. 5.  Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you. So here are my seven fun facts: 1. I absolutely LOVE tattoos. I have 6 already and about 6 more planned. If I could get away with sleeves in my corporate world, I would absolutely have them. An extension of this is my love for men with tattoos, Eric has a sleeve and has started on his second. hashtag hubba hubba. 2. My favorite author is Jodi Picoult. I can devour her novels in a single sitting without even getting up to pee. She just has a way with words that suck me in completely. 3. I have extremely vivid dreams that I can talk to myself in and wake myself up from. When I was younger I had bad nightmares fairly often. I would wake in a state of complete panic and often times find my way to my parents bed. I started having this one recurring nightmare and eventually I learned to control it and change the things I did ending in a different outcome. On top of being able to somewhat control my dreams, they are extremely vivid. They’re like complete motion pictures in my head. I almost always remember my dreams too. When I wake up I will try to write down my dream or tell it to someone right away so it stays fresh in my mind. And I am obsessed with deciphering them. My Mom got me a dream dictionary book when I was a kid and I still use it to this day. 4. I love frogs. I started collecting frog decor when I was a kid and I still collect fun, unique pieces. 5. I really love bad reality TV. DVR is my best friend. 6. 6 is my lucky number! It appears in my phone number 4 times and always seems to pop up in the most random of places. 7. I am very much a tell it like it is, semi-confrontational person. I may be small but I don’t take anyone’s crap and I will be the first person to tell you you’re being an asshole. In fact, I might get some small pleasure out of telling you that. It’s not exactly my finest quality, but I am who I am! Finally, The following bloggers are not only an inspiration to me, but to many others in this little infertility / ttc community. They are strong, brave and all unique. Some of them have made it to the other side of the trenches, and they give me so much hope and encouragement. I tried to find all bloggers who have not been nominated yet! Bertha and Ernestina No One Asks About my Eggs Starbucks, Peace and the Pursuit of a Baby Conception’s Bitch An Airman and a Doctor The Cork and Stork It’s Time for Two A Hundred Affections No Fruit for You You Just Need to Relax

Giving Thanks, IVF & Lebron is still a Bitch.

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So, I have been MIA and for good reason. I needed to separate myself from this TTC community and regroup. I became so obsessive and was losing focus of myself and what is important in life.

I was constantly begging and pleading with God to heal me and to bless us with a baby, and was forgetting to thank Him for this beautiful life. I stopped praying asking for things and started praying simply to give thanks. I do have so much to be thankful for. I may have endometriosis, but I am generally healthy. I have a good job. I have a strong marriage. I have AMAZING people in my life, I mean some of the absolute best friends anyone could ask for. Friends I have known my entire life. Friends that know how to handle my struggles and are always there for me. I have a brand new car and a house. I have 3 happy, snuggly animals. I have money in the bank, and change in a jar. I am SO BLESSED. I’m ashamed that I lost site of all of these things (and more, I could go on and on).

I had a complete mental breakdown after my 5 follicle fail. Say that 3 times fast! I cried for days on end and even though I continued with another month of Femara, I didn’t have much hope. I had 3 follicles this past cycle and 2 hemorrhagic cysts that were complete bitches and causing me extreme pain. I ovulated but my progesterone was very low. And then AF was late. She did show though, so don’t get too excited for me. My Dr. upped my dosage of Femara and I take my last pills tomorrow night.

So after some serious soul searching and support from E and friends, I feel good. I am going to talk to my doctor about triggering this month and getting a progesterone shot. I really love my Dr. for not being an RE, he has been extremely aggressive and proactive. He has basically said we will do whatever it takes. And I trust him.

After last month I called the military hospital here to get information about IVF. She sent me all the information today and I started filling out the paperwork. Thankfully the cost will be cheaper because of the Army, and we also have a lot of the blood work and testing done. They do 4 cycles a year and if I hussled I could get on the September cycle. If not, the next one is January. I am going to talk to my Dr. about it this week at my follicle scan.

Soooo on top of all of this, I found out my cousin is pregnant with her 3rd. From a 3rd man. Whoops. Hearing that triggered a mini meltdown. THEN today a very good friend of mine told me she’s pregnant. And she did it in the best way possible. She didn’t let me find out on fb. She told me straight forward and said she wasn’t trying and that she knows I want this more than her and she wishes she could switch bellies with me. She was so worried I would hate her. No way. She has been one of my best friends since we were kids. I could never hate her for my body being fucking stupid. Life isn’t fair. I’ve accepted that but it still hurts, I can’t lie. I almost puked at work today I was so upset. Not at my cousin or my friend, but just at that feeling… the feeling of watching everyone get what you want when they don’t even want it. It’s so hard. So I am averaging about 2 pregnancy announcements a week these days. No wonder I’m a basket case.

In other news, Lebron is coming back to Cleveland. As I am sure you all know since it probably broke the damn internet. I was born & raised in Cleveland. I hated Lebron when he was in high school, I hated him when he played for the Cavs, I hated him when he left us like a little bitch and I still hate him. In fact I am wearing me Anti Lebron shirt as I type this. Unlike every single person back home, I am NOT happy he is coming back. Fuck.

The TTC life

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Things that happen when you have problems ttc

1) You become an expert toilet paper / underwear examiner

2) You learn the very literal ups and downs of your cervix

3) Google becomes your doctor

4) You rely on advice from others ttc more than your actual obgyn/re

5) You learn a million new acronyms: ttc, bd, dh, re, dpo, ewcm, o, us, bfp, bfn, af, bbt, cd, cf, cm, dtd, hpt, hcg, opk, poas…

6) You distance yourself from your pregnant friends / friends that are mothers

7) You spend more time talking to complete strangers than your own family and friends

8) You try every drug, vitamin, position, lubricant, supplement, food, drink ever suggested to you for at least one cycle

9) You become one of two types of people: POAS-aholic or never poas because of months of bfn (I am the latter)

10) You have baby / pregnant lady radar

11) You know what each type of cm/cf means and have stretched it between your fingers

12) You search for faint lines on all hpts and post pictures hoping someone will see SOMETHING

13) You have mistaken an indent for a bfp

 

How has ttc changed your life?

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I called in sick from work today. I do not plan to check my e-mail or even think about the amount of work I will return to. I just needed the day off. I am on cd2. And feeling groggy, confused, helpless and disappointed mentally. Physically, I have been cramping so horribly since Saturday night (Thanks Endo!) and I have a headache that won’t quit. My period came late Saturday and I sobbed like a child. I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms. I woke up crying. And I cried on and off all day yesterday. Chances are I will cry again today.

I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I had perfect uterine lining, 5 plump follicles, perfect progesterone levels and had sex 4 times during my fertile period and STILL did not get pregnant. I honestly believed after my surgery in January to remove endo that I would be pregnant within 3 months. I start month 5 (Or is it 6? I don’t remember) of drugs tomorrow. Round 2 of Femara. I am really questioning God right now. Which hasn’t happened since starting on this journey last March. I am angry and I want to know why God has dealt us this hand. I am finding it increasingly harder to handle pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, births, and people in general. Typically I have my one day of sadness and then I put my big girl panties on and find the ray of light, the bright side. Not now. I am stuck in this place of anger and sadness and I don’t know how to get out anymore.

Pity Party for One.

Spoiler alert: Pity Party in Full Force. Feel free to skip.

I shouldn’t have done it. But I tested tonight. I’m 10dpo and was planning on testing in the am & my blood test is in 4 days. I know it’s too early but I tested anyway. Of course it’s negative. I would never be one of those girls who gets a positive at 7dpo. I will probably have a “period” and start another round of Femara and then find out I’m pregnant. That is how my life works. Nothing has ever really come easy to me… Not the things I want the most at least. And if anything can go wrong, typically it does. 

So I am sitting at home throwing myself a pity party. E has been gone at a field training since Wednesday so not only am I upset but I am alone. That is the worst combination.

I just keep thinking over and over, how long will I endure this? Why can’t I be one of those girls that gets pregnant easily? Why is this so unfair and difficult. I would literally give anything just to get off this roller coaster ride.

I just want to be a Mom.

FIVE

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5. Five.

That is the number of perfectly sized follicles I had this cycle. Femara is amazing. I had zero side effects and more follicles than on Clomid. I didn’t use opks again this cycle, but I started temping. I’m not very good at reading this damn chart though. Maybe someone can help me decipher it. See above ^^^

My doctor was so positive about this cycle that he went ahead and scheduled a pregnancy test for next Tuesday. He has NEVER done that. I swear if I can’t get pregnant with 5 follicles and bd 4 times in my fertile window, I am DOOMED. Doomed I tell you.