Giving it to God

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How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.

I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.

love love love,
S

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I’m a Horrible Blogger

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It’s true. I have disappeared one too many times. I’m not writing to tell everyone I am back for good. Because I don’t really know. But I do have good news. Not THE good news, but it’s good news none the less. E and I just started on our second cycle of IVF!! I started my injections yesterday morning. They changed up the protocol this cycle. I am not taking the daily Lupron, but instead will be taking Cetrotide. Also, we will be doing both ICSI and assisted hatching this go round. We are feeling really good about the cycle. I am only working part time now at work, life is much less stressful and I feel like the timing now is better than before. We will be returning to Cleveland FOR GOOD in about 5 weeks and will be surrounded by family the entire pregnancy. We both feel so good about life right now. This is it. I just know it.

So, I started an Instagram to follow our journey through IVF to delivery (fingers crossed)! You can follow us at babyG_IVF

I will be posting there a lot more often than on here. It’s just easier to post a picture than to sit down and write an entire post. But I am still thinking of all my TTC sisters on here all the time. I pray for you all daily and I thank God that I found this community that has offered me so much support the passed few years. I am so blessed to not only be surrounded by love in my personal life, but virtually as well. If any of you have Instagram pages following your TTC journey, comment below and let me know your username so I can follow you!

love love love,
S

Random Ramblings

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I survived a week with my in-laws!!! In all reality, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I think they have grown to like me since E and I got married. Their fears have been calmed and his Mom was much less judgmental. We actually… dare I say it… had fun. Success.

Well I start round 4 of Clomid tonight. 150mg this time. If this month isn’t a success, I am going to request to go straight to Femara. I cannot handle this Clomid anger anymore. On top of that I think my endo is getting worse. Which we knew was a possibility, but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly. 

I had a dream last night that I had a one month old named Ricky. Just FYI that name would never happen. Anyway, he died. I can’t even have a baby in my dreams! Life is unfair sometimes. And struggling with infertility has made me bipolar. I am fine one minute all zen and praying and trusting in God, the next I am crying and screaming (literally) and cursing my fucked up body. Basket case. Total basket case.

So I am completely rambling right now. I do that a lot don’t I? 

The Name Game

ImageI’m a week post op and the past day or so have been experiencing new pains. I have been cramping and have had a headache that will not quit. I haven’t slept through a night yet and last night I woke up with this weird tingling (almost like a painful tickle) in my lower chest on the right side. Of course it gave me anxiety because I am a hypochondriac and that just made it even more impossible to sleep. Awesome! My post op appointment is next Wednesday and I am praying the doc puts me on Clomid for my next cycle. Fingers crossed!

This surgery has put E and I in such great spirits. We are so ready and so hopeful for little baby G! We’ve been talking baby names more than ever. It’s a weird obsession I have actually. When I was 6 or 7 I found this baby names book of my Mom’s and I just sat and read through it over and over and over. I still have that book somewhere actually. I have always had a love for names, and their meanings and origins. I chose my favorite girls name when I was about 10 and it has been my favorite ever since. E has agreed to it but we have yet to completely agree on a boys name.

Future baby G possible names:

Reagan Michelle: Reagan is Irish (as am I!) and means “Little King” It’s a unisex name but I love it for a girl. Michelle is my Mom’s name and means “Who is Like God.” This has been my future baby girls name since 1994 ish thanks to The Exorcist! haha

Aria Madison: Aria is Italian and means “Lioness.” I am a Leo and love the meaning behind my zodiac and the fierceness of a lion. I also have a thing for presidential names, thus the middle name Madison.

Jamison: This is a variation of Jameson, it’s an English name and it’s one of the few boy names Eric has approved! Our first boy will have my maiden name as his middle name. This is a family tradition of mine.

Declan Ryan: Another Irish name that means “Man of Prayer.” I love biblical and religious names. Our second son would have the middle name Ryan. This is E’s middle name and the name of a cousin of his that passed away as a child. Again, an Irish name that means “Little King.” E actually hasn’t approved Declan, but I will keep pushing for it.

Elias: This is a Greek & Hispanic (E is Hispanic!) name that means “Lord is my God.”

Julian: Julian is a Hispanic name and means “Youthful.” I have always loved this name and recently met a little boy named Julian that re-introduced me to my love for this name.

Roman: Another Hispanic name. I love this name, it makes me think of strength and pride.

Luca: Luca is Latin and means “Light.”This is another name I feel represents a strong male.