No one realizes what this does to you, trying to conceive for 11 months, battling a disease that most people don’t understand… it tears you apart. Throw in the occasional “I’ll have your baby for you!!” comment and it can ruin an entire night. People don’t get it and I keep telling myself this every day, but it doesn’t help. I want someone, other than a stranger on the computer, to get it. I want a friend who actually understands. Not that I would EVER wish this life upon anyone, but I just want that support, that bond. It’s sad, and I am mad at myself for letting it happen, but going through this has actually put a wedge in most of my friendships. Maybe that makes me cold, that I don’t reply to the pictures of your growing baby bump or “like” your status’ on Facebook anymore but it is what it is. I have put up a wall.
In fact, looking back on my life, this is what I always do. I block people out of my life to protect my heart. When my parents divorced, I was a week shy of 21. (Happy Birthday!) As an instant response to this Earth shattering event, I stopped going to classes, I started partying A LOT, I tried to find comfort in the arms of any guy that gave me attention (and then quickly kicked him to the curb when he attempted to get too close), I fought daily with my best friend and ended up pushing her out of my life for a year or two. I chased after anything that that was temporary and rejected the idea of any kind of permanence in my life. Because if my parents, after 25 years of marriage and 4 children, couldn’t last than surely, nothing could. I refused to get attached to anyone or anything and I lived my life like that for years. I broke hearts and lost friends all because of this wall, this divide I NEEDED to create. And here I am doing the same thing again.
According to my Mom, I’ve always been a runner. And according to my Dad, I left a string of broken hearts across NE Ohio. In fact, E is the only thing that has made me stand still. He has grounded me. So of course I am thankful for that. I have him, and he IS going through this with me. He sees my pain and my struggles. But I still don’t think he gets it completely.
I am completely rambling today. I have a lot on my mind and T Minus 4 sleeps until my surgery. I’m scared, overwhelmed and ready for this to be over. I don’t know how people ttc for years on end. I suppose I would, if I had to (but Dear God, I pray I don’t have to), but I am over it. This sucks.