How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.
I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.
3 years ago I promised myself I would never undergo another laproscopic procedure. I was bruised, bloated, miserable and certain I wouldn’t survive another day. Drugs did nothing. I cried every time I had to sit up, walk to get something or go to the bathroom. In fact going to the bathroom proved to be next to impossible after having endometriosis removed from my rectum and bladder. I would clench a towel in my hands while I bit down on another towel. Just to pee. 3 days after my surgery, I wound up in the ER with a 104 degree fever and a bladder infection. 2 weeks after my surgery, I returned to work. 9 weeks after my surgery, I finally felt normal again and pain free.
Thinking back on January 2011 brings tears to my eyes. But what makes me actually cry, is the fact that yesterday I scheduled my second laproscopic procedure to remove endometriosis. All in the hopes that after this surgery, my ovaries and tubes will be clear and I’ll finally be able to conceive. But nothing is 100%. I am scared to death.
That being said, I am so blessed that E will be by my side the entire time. By some miracle of God, he is able to get out of work and a very intense training for about a week to take care of me. I have 3 girl friends taking a day off to spend it with me while I recover. I have family that is trying to arrange schedules to be here.
So here goes nothing. January 15th I will kick endometriosis’ ass once again. Baby G will be here before we know it. I have faith that everything will happen in God’s timing.
I have this app on my phone called “Word.” It is a daily devotional and it has gotten me through some of the darkest times in this journey. The sermon always seems to speak right to me and fit my situation on the days I need it the most.
Today’s devotional discusses how with God all things are possible. As men, somethings are in fact humanly impossible. But if we put our faith in Him and let God take the wheel, we may just see that things aren’t so bad. That this is in fact the path He has created for is. And that the impossible can be possible with His salvation, forgiveness and love.
Today, I am feeling positive. I had a positive OPK on Saturday and DTD both Saturday and Sunday. I am feeling hopeful that this was a good month for E and I. And today I feel that, even though I am in pain and my body is fighting this disease, that with my faith this is possible. Conceiving is possible!
Sometimes we get so caught up in the worry and stress of TTC that we forget He has a plan.