Grow Babies, Grow!

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Just a quick update for everyone… we currently have 6 embabies growing at the clinic! There’s my lucky number again!! ❤  We are over the moon!! Transfer will be tomorrow morning. In the mean time I took the day off work and I am going to get a full body massage at noon. Working on my relaxation for the big day. We am so anxious to get 2 of those babies back where they belong.

Thank you to everyone for all the support and well wishes. This TTC community has changed my life!

love love love,
S

Giving it to God

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How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.

I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.

love love love,
S

I’m a Horrible Blogger

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It’s true. I have disappeared one too many times. I’m not writing to tell everyone I am back for good. Because I don’t really know. But I do have good news. Not THE good news, but it’s good news none the less. E and I just started on our second cycle of IVF!! I started my injections yesterday morning. They changed up the protocol this cycle. I am not taking the daily Lupron, but instead will be taking Cetrotide. Also, we will be doing both ICSI and assisted hatching this go round. We are feeling really good about the cycle. I am only working part time now at work, life is much less stressful and I feel like the timing now is better than before. We will be returning to Cleveland FOR GOOD in about 5 weeks and will be surrounded by family the entire pregnancy. We both feel so good about life right now. This is it. I just know it.

So, I started an Instagram to follow our journey through IVF to delivery (fingers crossed)! You can follow us at babyG_IVF

I will be posting there a lot more often than on here. It’s just easier to post a picture than to sit down and write an entire post. But I am still thinking of all my TTC sisters on here all the time. I pray for you all daily and I thank God that I found this community that has offered me so much support the passed few years. I am so blessed to not only be surrounded by love in my personal life, but virtually as well. If any of you have Instagram pages following your TTC journey, comment below and let me know your username so I can follow you!

love love love,
S

The End is Near!

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Week 3 of E being gone. Week 2 of no communication. I am missing my husband like freaking crazy. I have always been very independent, but it is so hard to go from talking to someone all day every day, spending every night with them, curling up with them in bed every night to… loneliness. Thanks to the Army, I have become fairly good at the drastic adjustment, but our time away is usually a few days, a week or so at max. Never this long and definitely never this long without talking. I am ready for E to come home. I am done, over it, I’m waving the white flag!!! Enough is enough. Thank God, we are on the tale end of his training in Louisiana. He SHOULD be home this week some time.

I made a to-do list of things to get done while he was away. I LOVE lists. So far I have tackled:

1. Organized our bedroom closet. Mainly our massive amount of shoes. I finally bought a shoe rack and one of those plastic stacked drawer things for some of E’s Army stuff (By some I mean 1/10th of it. We have an entire bedroom FULL of the rest of it).
2. Decorated for fall! I made a new fall wreath, decorated our mantle and hung other fall/Halloween decorations around the house.

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3. Cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Tupperware overload. I got it all organized and in a workable system.
4. Yard work… okay. So not all of it, but I just mowed the back yard and that left me in a pile of sweat even on this cool 60 degree morning. For some bizarre reason, our front yard is a different type of grass and doesn’t really grow. So that can wait.
5. Scrubbed the floors. Our house is mostly carpet (EW) but the kitchen and bathrooms were in major need of a good scrub.
6. Cleaned both bathrooms, scrubbed the tubs and toilets and organized the cabinets.
7. Bought new couch pillows. I have gone through about 5 sets already. I just couldn’t find something I LOVED. But I finally found them!!
8. Organized our office files. I have been hoarding paperwork since I was in college. It was purge time. I went through all our files and threw away all the junk and organized the rest into a nice little filing tote.
9. Stocked the fridge for E’s return. I like to take care of my man, he works hard and is an amazing husband, so why not? I made sure the fridge and cupboards are stocked with all his favorites!
10. Ordered and picked up our journaling bible. I have been looking to get a journaling bible for a while now. I immediately flipped to my favorite verse. Hebrews 11:11.

“By Faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was passed the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.”

11. Printed out 8×10″ mounted baby pics of E and I for the bathroom. I have had this project planned for months but just never got around to it… I mean, how cute were we?!

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Still to do:
1. Wash and vacuum both our cars. I’m going to tackle that today. It’s the perfect day to do it, it’s beautiful outside!
2. Run to the Wine & Beer shop and put together a 6 pack for E. E loves trying new beers. We are lucky that we have a little shop in town that carries random beers from all over the world and allows you to create your own 6 pack. It’s pricey, but worth it. And it always makes him happy.

So aside from all that I have been busy being stressed the fuck out over this IUI cycle. I am on CD2, so I have to go in for blood work tomorrow and then I will start injections probably Tuesday. I was really counting on E being home for that part, but life never goes as planned, does it? My period came 4 days early… oh well. Such is life! I am going to have a girlfriend come over when I do my first injection (Unless by some miracle of God E gets home early enough). The following week I will have my HSG and then shortly after my very first IUI if everything is clear! I am praying for good results. I’ve been dealt so much bad news, I could use some good news for a change!

Happy Sunday!!

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I called in sick from work today. I do not plan to check my e-mail or even think about the amount of work I will return to. I just needed the day off. I am on cd2. And feeling groggy, confused, helpless and disappointed mentally. Physically, I have been cramping so horribly since Saturday night (Thanks Endo!) and I have a headache that won’t quit. My period came late Saturday and I sobbed like a child. I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms. I woke up crying. And I cried on and off all day yesterday. Chances are I will cry again today.

I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I had perfect uterine lining, 5 plump follicles, perfect progesterone levels and had sex 4 times during my fertile period and STILL did not get pregnant. I honestly believed after my surgery in January to remove endo that I would be pregnant within 3 months. I start month 5 (Or is it 6? I don’t remember) of drugs tomorrow. Round 2 of Femara. I am really questioning God right now. Which hasn’t happened since starting on this journey last March. I am angry and I want to know why God has dealt us this hand. I am finding it increasingly harder to handle pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, births, and people in general. Typically I have my one day of sadness and then I put my big girl panties on and find the ray of light, the bright side. Not now. I am stuck in this place of anger and sadness and I don’t know how to get out anymore.

Waiting

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I started spotting on Tuesday night. It continued through yesterday. The entire time I thought it was implantation. My period wasn’t due for a week. There is no way I’d have a 20 day cycle. No way. I KNOW my body… it may be crazy but I have never had a 20 day cycle. All month I told myself this was the month. I have said that before, but something felt different this month. I had a progesterone draw Wednesday and spoke with my doctor who reassured me my scan last week was perfect and it was very unlikely my period was starting. I waited impatiently for my progesterone results. Checking my patient portal at work every 20 minutes. Stressing. Praying the number was high, please be over 7 I said over and over and over. I prayed. I pleaded. I planned. Two days later I got my results. 2.3…. two point three. My heart broke, like it does every single month. But this time it hurt worse. I shut my office door and cried. I confided in E and my friends who knew I was waiting on these results. The doctor prescribed me Femara to start on my third cd, which we both agreed was probably that day. So what does 2.3 mean? While technically this is in the normal range, it’s likely I did not ovulate at all. The Clomid wasn’t working. I was creating beautiful follicles but not ovulating apparently. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can move on from Clomid, try a cycle on Femara and now I am one step closer. We have more answers. One less thing I have to question.

One of my friends sent me the image above yesterday. She always knows just what to say. I am so blessed to have understanding and supportive people in my life. People who’s beliefs align with mine and always remind me that God’s timing is perfect. He will fulfill the desires of my heart. He just will. I know that. I have never questioned that, although I do have my “Why me?” screaming moments every month, I have never questioned God. My faith is unwavering and I cannot wait to see what plans He has for my life. I will continue to fight this and search for the answers God (and my doctors) will provide. My strength to carry on every month and wipe my tears comes from that faith.

My Very first Baby Purchase

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I have a confession.

After 15 months of ttc, I purchased my very first baby item. Cleveland Browns booties. I couldn’t help myself, they were only $10 on Groupon! I was born & raised in Cleveland, being a Browns fan is not even an option for my future off spring. They need to experience the heartache that I have my entire life. Poor things. Maybe in their lifetime we will go to a Superbowl! A girl can dream right?

But really, I think that is quite an accomplishment that in over a year I have had enough self control to not buy baby stuff. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Trust me, every time I go to Target I make a trip through the baby aisles while I cry a little inside. Clearly, I’m really into self torture.

Follicle scan update: 3 very plump follicles and a thick lining! I go in Wednesday to get my progesterone tested to make sure I ovulated. This was the first month, aside from my surgery month, that I did not use OPKs. It was so liberating!!! Not having to stress about when I am ovulating and just trusting my body. I am praying so hard that the decrease in stress and the increase in Clomid is what does the trick! All positive thoughts today!

Drained

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Man, this week has been rough. The higher dosage of Clomid has all but killed me. I had a massive headache the first 4 days and after taking my last dose I was a mess. I was shaking, light headed, nauseous, and that headache had gotten worse. I had to have E come pick me up from work on Thursday, I could barely function. I slept pretty much all day… or tried to at least. Friday at work everyone started asking me WHY I was so sick. If I hear “Are you pregnant?” one more time I am going to cunt punt someone. And if one more idiot man asks me “Are you on drugs?” I am going to have a full blown fertility drug melt down on his ass. No, I am not pregannt & yes I am on drugs… but not the fun kind! 

Also, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so exhausted all of the time, emotionally and physically. I am sick of people commenting on the dark circles under my eyes or the constant yawning. No, I don’t need to get more sleep… I get plenty, 9+ hours a night. Endo has just sucked the life out of me. I feel like I am constantly waging a war against my body. I have no control over my body or my emotions and I am sick of it.

So in other news, I have my follicle scan Monday afternoon. I am praying for healthy plump follicles! After this round of Clomid, I cannot take another. This needs to be the month. It just has to be.

 

Random Ramblings

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I survived a week with my in-laws!!! In all reality, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I think they have grown to like me since E and I got married. Their fears have been calmed and his Mom was much less judgmental. We actually… dare I say it… had fun. Success.

Well I start round 4 of Clomid tonight. 150mg this time. If this month isn’t a success, I am going to request to go straight to Femara. I cannot handle this Clomid anger anymore. On top of that I think my endo is getting worse. Which we knew was a possibility, but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly. 

I had a dream last night that I had a one month old named Ricky. Just FYI that name would never happen. Anyway, he died. I can’t even have a baby in my dreams! Life is unfair sometimes. And struggling with infertility has made me bipolar. I am fine one minute all zen and praying and trusting in God, the next I am crying and screaming (literally) and cursing my fucked up body. Basket case. Total basket case.

So I am completely rambling right now. I do that a lot don’t I? 

Prisoner of Hope

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It’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote… I guess I’ve been slacking. The truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot lately… TTC is exhausting and it’s wearing me out. Clomid isn’t working. In fact, all it’s doing is screwing up my cycles and giving me anger issues. I’ve been snapping at everyone, over the littlest things. My temper has always been short but this is just ugly. My faith is being tested for sure right now… I have been feeling hopeless.

But then I met C. One of my very best friends has talked about her as long as I’ve known her. I felt like I already knew her when I met her last night. I don’t know her whole story, but this is what I do know… she was struggling with ttc for a while. She tried IUI, got pregnant and that ended in a miscarriage. But she and her husband tried again and now, she’s like 7 months pregnant. And healthy. And happy. We didn’t even talk about her IUI attempts or how long she had been ttc. But just seeing her adorable baby bump and her pregnancy glow last night was the hope I needed. This is NOT impossible. I WILL be a mother someday… an amazing mother. That day will come, I am 100% sure of it. These struggles will be worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms.

I had a follow up this week with my doctor. He is concerned that the Clomid isn’t working right. My LP was only a week long last month, which is not normal. If this month doesn’t work, he has me starting Clomid at CD3 instead of CD5 and at a higher dosage. I will then have another follicle US and possibly a trigger shot. We discussed other options, maybe trying Femara or injectibles. But that is further down the road. E came with me and was full of questions. Having him here for me and knowing that he is just as invested in this as me, is such a comfort. I am so blessed. He really is amazing. The doctor looked us both in the eyes and said “I will get you pregnant. This isn’t impossible. It’s just a matter of how.” I needed to hear that, so bad.

In other news, E’s parents are coming into town from Southern California this week. They get in Friday and are staying for a week. I wish I could say I am excited. But his Mom is a passive aggressive bitch. Pray for me. lol

Since it’s Sunday I feel it is only appropriate to talk about what I am thankful for today…

Kitty snuggles before bedtime
Footloose … currently watching, I’m obsessed
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Being completely settled into our new home
The fact that I work full time and won’t have to spend every day all day with my in-laws next week
Pink Sands Yankee Candle
Living in the South, where it’s 80 degrees in April