The End is Near!

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Week 3 of E being gone. Week 2 of no communication. I am missing my husband like freaking crazy. I have always been very independent, but it is so hard to go from talking to someone all day every day, spending every night with them, curling up with them in bed every night to… loneliness. Thanks to the Army, I have become fairly good at the drastic adjustment, but our time away is usually a few days, a week or so at max. Never this long and definitely never this long without talking. I am ready for E to come home. I am done, over it, I’m waving the white flag!!! Enough is enough. Thank God, we are on the tale end of his training in Louisiana. He SHOULD be home this week some time.

I made a to-do list of things to get done while he was away. I LOVE lists. So far I have tackled:

1. Organized our bedroom closet. Mainly our massive amount of shoes. I finally bought a shoe rack and one of those plastic stacked drawer things for some of E’s Army stuff (By some I mean 1/10th of it. We have an entire bedroom FULL of the rest of it).
2. Decorated for fall! I made a new fall wreath, decorated our mantle and hung other fall/Halloween decorations around the house.

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3. Cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Tupperware overload. I got it all organized and in a workable system.
4. Yard work… okay. So not all of it, but I just mowed the back yard and that left me in a pile of sweat even on this cool 60 degree morning. For some bizarre reason, our front yard is a different type of grass and doesn’t really grow. So that can wait.
5. Scrubbed the floors. Our house is mostly carpet (EW) but the kitchen and bathrooms were in major need of a good scrub.
6. Cleaned both bathrooms, scrubbed the tubs and toilets and organized the cabinets.
7. Bought new couch pillows. I have gone through about 5 sets already. I just couldn’t find something I LOVED. But I finally found them!!
8. Organized our office files. I have been hoarding paperwork since I was in college. It was purge time. I went through all our files and threw away all the junk and organized the rest into a nice little filing tote.
9. Stocked the fridge for E’s return. I like to take care of my man, he works hard and is an amazing husband, so why not? I made sure the fridge and cupboards are stocked with all his favorites!
10. Ordered and picked up our journaling bible. I have been looking to get a journaling bible for a while now. I immediately flipped to my favorite verse. Hebrews 11:11.

“By Faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was passed the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.”

11. Printed out 8×10″ mounted baby pics of E and I for the bathroom. I have had this project planned for months but just never got around to it… I mean, how cute were we?!

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Still to do:
1. Wash and vacuum both our cars. I’m going to tackle that today. It’s the perfect day to do it, it’s beautiful outside!
2. Run to the Wine & Beer shop and put together a 6 pack for E. E loves trying new beers. We are lucky that we have a little shop in town that carries random beers from all over the world and allows you to create your own 6 pack. It’s pricey, but worth it. And it always makes him happy.

So aside from all that I have been busy being stressed the fuck out over this IUI cycle. I am on CD2, so I have to go in for blood work tomorrow and then I will start injections probably Tuesday. I was really counting on E being home for that part, but life never goes as planned, does it? My period came 4 days early… oh well. Such is life! I am going to have a girlfriend come over when I do my first injection (Unless by some miracle of God E gets home early enough). The following week I will have my HSG and then shortly after my very first IUI if everything is clear! I am praying for good results. I’ve been dealt so much bad news, I could use some good news for a change!

Happy Sunday!!

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Waiting

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I started spotting on Tuesday night. It continued through yesterday. The entire time I thought it was implantation. My period wasn’t due for a week. There is no way I’d have a 20 day cycle. No way. I KNOW my body… it may be crazy but I have never had a 20 day cycle. All month I told myself this was the month. I have said that before, but something felt different this month. I had a progesterone draw Wednesday and spoke with my doctor who reassured me my scan last week was perfect and it was very unlikely my period was starting. I waited impatiently for my progesterone results. Checking my patient portal at work every 20 minutes. Stressing. Praying the number was high, please be over 7 I said over and over and over. I prayed. I pleaded. I planned. Two days later I got my results. 2.3…. two point three. My heart broke, like it does every single month. But this time it hurt worse. I shut my office door and cried. I confided in E and my friends who knew I was waiting on these results. The doctor prescribed me Femara to start on my third cd, which we both agreed was probably that day. So what does 2.3 mean? While technically this is in the normal range, it’s likely I did not ovulate at all. The Clomid wasn’t working. I was creating beautiful follicles but not ovulating apparently. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can move on from Clomid, try a cycle on Femara and now I am one step closer. We have more answers. One less thing I have to question.

One of my friends sent me the image above yesterday. She always knows just what to say. I am so blessed to have understanding and supportive people in my life. People who’s beliefs align with mine and always remind me that God’s timing is perfect. He will fulfill the desires of my heart. He just will. I know that. I have never questioned that, although I do have my “Why me?” screaming moments every month, I have never questioned God. My faith is unwavering and I cannot wait to see what plans He has for my life. I will continue to fight this and search for the answers God (and my doctors) will provide. My strength to carry on every month and wipe my tears comes from that faith.

Prisoner of Hope

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It’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote… I guess I’ve been slacking. The truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot lately… TTC is exhausting and it’s wearing me out. Clomid isn’t working. In fact, all it’s doing is screwing up my cycles and giving me anger issues. I’ve been snapping at everyone, over the littlest things. My temper has always been short but this is just ugly. My faith is being tested for sure right now… I have been feeling hopeless.

But then I met C. One of my very best friends has talked about her as long as I’ve known her. I felt like I already knew her when I met her last night. I don’t know her whole story, but this is what I do know… she was struggling with ttc for a while. She tried IUI, got pregnant and that ended in a miscarriage. But she and her husband tried again and now, she’s like 7 months pregnant. And healthy. And happy. We didn’t even talk about her IUI attempts or how long she had been ttc. But just seeing her adorable baby bump and her pregnancy glow last night was the hope I needed. This is NOT impossible. I WILL be a mother someday… an amazing mother. That day will come, I am 100% sure of it. These struggles will be worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms.

I had a follow up this week with my doctor. He is concerned that the Clomid isn’t working right. My LP was only a week long last month, which is not normal. If this month doesn’t work, he has me starting Clomid at CD3 instead of CD5 and at a higher dosage. I will then have another follicle US and possibly a trigger shot. We discussed other options, maybe trying Femara or injectibles. But that is further down the road. E came with me and was full of questions. Having him here for me and knowing that he is just as invested in this as me, is such a comfort. I am so blessed. He really is amazing. The doctor looked us both in the eyes and said “I will get you pregnant. This isn’t impossible. It’s just a matter of how.” I needed to hear that, so bad.

In other news, E’s parents are coming into town from Southern California this week. They get in Friday and are staying for a week. I wish I could say I am excited. But his Mom is a passive aggressive bitch. Pray for me. lol

Since it’s Sunday I feel it is only appropriate to talk about what I am thankful for today…

Kitty snuggles before bedtime
Footloose … currently watching, I’m obsessed
Pinterest
Being completely settled into our new home
The fact that I work full time and won’t have to spend every day all day with my in-laws next week
Pink Sands Yankee Candle
Living in the South, where it’s 80 degrees in April

Grandbabies for Papa C

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I grew up in the Martial Arts community. My Dad took karate my entire life and opened his own dojo when I was 12. When I was about 10 I finally followed in his and my older brother’s footsteps and started training with them. Martial Arts was our lives… well, it was my Dad’s life and I was a Daddy’s girl. Therefore, it was my life as well. I have so many amazing, rewarding, get wrenching, rough, sweaty memories training with my family in our dojo. It was my second home, I spent every night there even when I wasn’t training. My best friend joined karate with me. We met and obsessed over boys at karate. We had birthday parties and cookouts at the dojo. My brother and I had our high school graduations at the dojo. And when I decided I was over it, in a hormonal rage at 16, I still lived at that dojo. I watched my younger brother start training when he was 2… Martial Arts was just a part of our lives. A few years ago, after my parents divorcing and my Dad’s (other) company struggling due to the AWESOME economy in Cleveland, my Dad closed shop. Sold his heavy bags and mats and hung his belts up permanently. It breaks my heart when I think about it. That was my Dad’s passion and I wish I could give that back to him. Anyway, to get to the whole point of this post… My Dad posted a picture on Facebook today that almost made me cry. Tears of happiness or sadness, I’m not sure. Any memory of my childhood is so bittersweet. He found a toddler sized hoodie from our dojo. It must have been my little brother’s or sisters at some point in time. I commented “You better save that for your future Grandbabies!” To which he replied “That was the plan. I’d like them to pass it down as they outgrow it.”

My Dad was the guy who wanted 12 kids. He wanted his own little wrestling team. He wanted to train them all in our dojo and pass the family business on to them. My Mom shared those dreams and gave him 4 kids. 2 (my older brother and me) are biological. My youngest siblings are adopted via the Foster Care system. My parents were foster parents my entire life and there was never a dull moment. Life was FULL and amazing. There was always laughter and love. My Dad misses that. He misses the pitter patter of little kids feet. He misses all the kids dog piling him screaming “KIll Dad!!!!” And I know deep down more than anything in the world, he wants me to make him a Grandpa. 

My Dad called me a little later in the day to chat and we talked about E & I and babies. He wanted to reassure me that I shouldn’t feel pressure to give him Grandbabies. But, of course, I do feel a little pressure. I will always want to make my parents happy and they both are so excited to be Grand Parents. (My older brother is a self proclaimed bachelor who will never marry or have kids and my youngest siblings are only 13 and 17.) But the pressure isn’t just from my Mom & Dad, it’s from everyone. Everyone is rooting for us. Everyone back home knows our struggles now. Everyone knows we are next to announce the big news. They all pray about it every day. They write it on their prayer cards at church twice a week. So, there is pressure. But the good kind of course, I want to not only give my parents that joy but I want to give Eric that. I want him to experience the pitter patter and the love, happiness and pure chaos that only a large family knows.

New Home & Baby Brain

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E and I are moving in 27 days. We found an adorable 3 bedroom home to rent and are upgrading from this tiny little one bedroom. When I moved into this apartment, it was just me and my dog, Sawyer. E and I were dating, and we were serious but he was having cold feet about living together. On my moving day he looks at me and says “I guess I am moving in with you.” REALLY?! PUNK! lol Had I planned for that, I wouldn’t have found a TINY (by tiny I mean like 600 sqft) apartment. 2 weeks later we were engaged. A month after that we were married. Funny how everything happens. Looking back on our last year in this apartment that we made a home is crazy. We added a kitten to our family, Spencer. We have completely filled every corner of this apartment with furniture and decor. We have made so many memories here, it’s our first home together. It will be bittersweet leaving. But I am so excited to be moving into a house! I look at this new house with bright eyes and so much hope. I see opportunity and growth. I can picture us bringing home our first child to this home. I pray so hard about this… That we will welcome a baby to this world within the next year or so. Every single thought in my head turns to baby and pregnancy. I see a house and I think of a nursery and walking like a zombie through the home to nurse my baby at 4 am. It’s a sickness! I have permanent baby brain.

I am currently 9dpo. Well technically I am 9 days passed my positive opk. So 7-9 ish dpo. Probably WAY too early to test. But I did anyway, BFN. The is nothing in this entire world I despise more than seeing that sad little lonely pink line. The day I see double lines I will probably lose my damn mind with excitement.

Sending Prayers

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So much bad news on my timeline this morning. While it is comforting to know I am not alone in this journey, I HATE that I am not alone because it means so many amazing, inspiring women are in pain. Everyone has their own path and God has plans for all of us, but I am praying so hard for my fellow ttc-ers  that they do not lose hope and that God’s plan brings them a happy & healthy baby.

I often see women who have been trying for years on end and I can’t help but wonder if that will be me. Will I be in this same spot a year from now? 5 years from now? Will this disease win? Will E & I end up adopting? What is our path?!! I run through scenario after scenario over and over and over. The uncertainty kills me and keeps me awake at night.

I am 1-2 ish days past ovulation and have had the most annoying pain in my left ovary. I am hoping that’s a good sign. But I honestly don’t know at all. I try to read up on all the symptoms along the way, ovulation, conception, implantation but there is no cut and dry answer and my ovaries hate me so I am always in pain as is. Oh add in that my pms symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms and I am pretty sure I will never actually believe I am pregnant until I am holding a baby. 

Anyway, praying for all you strong ladies out there!!!

The Big O

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The big O… Ovulation. Sorry for those of you who thought otherwise. Silly you, this is an infertility blog! 

I knew that Clomid would push back my ovulation date. I typically ovulate on cd11. Well I am at cd18 and still nothing according to my opks. I thought I was ovulating Sunday night though. I woke up from a dead sleep to EXCRUCIATING pain. I have survived endometriosis for years, including 2 laps now and several ruptured cysts. You’d think by now the pain wouldn’t get to me. But this was horrid. I felt like someone was stabbing me over and over. It hurt directly in the center of my very lower abdomen down to my butt. I could barely stand up straight, the fetal position was my only option. After one and a half hours, a hot bath, Aleve and a heating pad, the pain finally started to subside and left me with a horrible pressure and heaviness. I’m still feeling the same pressure and heaviness. In the midst of my sobbing melt down I did an opk. Negative. So now I am left wondering if those silly things even work on Clomid. Nothing online has given me a conclusive answer. I did call my doctor first thing Monday and he didn’t seem too worried. Which was reassuring, but at the same time I want answers! 

Has anyone had a similar experience on Clomid? When did you ovulate? How did you know? HELP!

Clomid Round 1

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I am writing you from my shiny, new, white HP Chromebook. I adore this thing. The Chrome OS is simple and intuitive and SO FAST. I don’t use my laptop for anything crazy, so this simple laptop is perfect.

Anyway, I am in super high spirits today (my posts probably seem so bi-polar). I made it in to the doctor the day after the snow storm and he put me on Clomid. We talked about a few options he feels I have for now and the future. 1) Lupron. This is a monthly shot that helps get rid of endo. Apparently, he couldn’t get all of the endo in me. BUT he did cleared and freed my tubes as well as my ovaries. SO reproductively, I am good to go. While you’re on Lupron you cannot ttc though. And it is known to have some crazy side effects. Which have made me super apprehensive. 2) Clomid. Helps create more, healthier eggs. 3) IVF. This is a further down the road thing, but he has expressed that IUI wouldn’t help with my type of infertility so after the Lupron and Clomid, IVF would be next. 

So far, I have taken 3 doses of Clomid and experienced ZERO side effects. Zilch! I was expecting the worst, I always am. But I haven’t been moody, no head aches or stomach aches. In fact, I think the Clomid has actually helped my sleep. I’m usually a pretty sound sleeper but after the surgery I was tossing and turning all night every night. I haven’t been waking up at all. And I have been having CRAZY dreams. Which, again, isn’t abnormal for me but these past 3 days have been even crazier than normal. Clomid has given me so much hope for this cycle.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday to check out my pretty little follicles. I’m excited to see what the doc has to say!

Snowpocalypse of 2014

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I try really hard to be positive, but today I just can’t find that place of positivity. And I need to vent. Prepare yourselves for some serious rambling. And if you make it through this post (or just skim through it) can you leave me some positive words and say some prayers because my heart is heavy tonight….

So as I have said before, I am from Cleveland, Ohio. We trudge through 2′ of snow in negative degree wind chills and don’t flinch. So when NC declares a state of emergency over 2″ of snow, mostly it makes me laugh. And when my work closes over this, it makes me giddy like a school kid having a snow day back home. BUT when my doctor closes, without any notice or phone call to me, the day I have my post-op appointment, it pisses me off to no end. E and I drove across town (mind you the roads are pretty much dry and snow/ice free) for my appointment today only to be met by locked doors. I immediately started crying. Yes I am overly emotional but this journey has been so stressful and complicated and frustrating that everything makes me cry. I called my doctor yesterday to check on the status of their office and was told by the receptionist that if they were to close, I would get a phone call. Nope, didn’t happen. And I figured if they called I would ask to speak to the nurse or my doctor to see if he could call me in an RX of Clomid. See, I am CD4 today and it’s my first cycle post op so my next step is Clomid, and you typically have to start Clomid on CD5. So, needless to say, I am calling them first thing in the AM and praying the doctor agrees to call in the RX tomorrow so I can start it tomorrow.

So after the appt. E is initially kind, he holds my hand in the truck and tells me everything will be okay, they’ll call it in and it’ll be fine. But it doesn’t help. Then he gets frustrated with my frustration and starts an argument in the grocery store parking lot. JUST WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.

Come home, all I want is a bubble bath to soak my sorrows and zone out to some T.Swift. Hot water lasts all of 5 minutes. Cue more tears. Only now I am wet and cold. And this brings me to my next frustration with living in the south. They are so completely unprepared for cold weather that the hot water tanks and heaters are actually rated different than the ones back home (according to my landlord, I haven’t actually verified this). So not only does my water heater not warm water as quickly, but my heater pulls in cold air from outside and cannot heat it, so it pumps cold air into my apartment continuously. We have purchased a space heater but that’s besides the point! I am angry, cold and hormonal.

There’s more, bear with me.

I bundle up and plop on the couch and am instantly greeted by my adorable and snuggly cat. He curls up right on my chest as if he knows I am upset and that I need his love right now. This instantly snaps me back to the day I found out I have endometriosis. I was working the night shift at the hospital and had a doctor appt. before my shift. I was in a bad place in my life in general and every single doctor appt had me on pins and needles. I was so sick of being poked and prodded and just wanted answers. I just prayed that the answer wasn’t endo. But it was. I called off work, drove straight home and collapsed in the corner of my bedroom in the dark sobbing. I have two aunts with endo and one was never able to conceive. I had done my research on the disease and I knew a diagnosis meant a lot of uncertainty, pain, drugs and the possibility of infertility. I was inconsolable but my two cats instantly ran to me and didn’t leave my lap for the entire night. In that moment, they saved me. I had no one. I was in a loveless relationship, fighting with my best friend and my parents were going through an ugly divorce. It’s crazy how in tune to our emotions our pets are.

Anyway, I just want this to be over. I want a cure. I want a fucking miracle.

TTC Survey

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I am jumping on the TTC Tag band wagon! This is actually a survey that was created for Vloggers, but since I don’t have a Vlog you get it this way!

1. How long have you been TTC?
We have been actively trying since March 2013, 11 months, but technically 12 cycles now. But I stopped taking birth control about 5 months before that and we never used condoms. o.O

2. How many kids do you have/want?
We both want big families, 3 minimum! I’d love to have 5 though.

3. How old are you and your husband?
I am 29, E is 24.

4. How long have you been married?
We have been married since March 2013.

5. What are some crazy things you do while TTC?
Pee on a million sticks (ovulation and pregnancy), stick my legs in the air after sex for as long as I can take, use Pre-Seed, scower endometriosis and infertility boards and websites, track my ovulation and record all symptoms in an app on my phone, OBSESS. lol

6. Does your husband know all about TTC?
Yes! I am so blessed, E is 100% on board. He is supportive, educated, understanding and just as excited for a future little baby G as I am (Well ALMOST as much as I am).

7. Have you been diagnosed with any kind of infertility?
I have had endometriosis since I was a teen and when I was about 26 my doctor explained that the severity of mine would likely cause fertility issues. So we knew going into this that we were facing challenges. Luckily, I have been able to find an amazing doctor who wasted no time getting E tested (to rule him out) and planning a course of action for getting me pregnant.

8. What keeps you busy during the 2WW?
Working full time is amazing. It keeps my mind occupied during the day. But typically I go a little crazy during the 2WW anyway.

9. What day do you usually ovulate?
Even though I have endometriosis, my cycles are pretty regular. I usually ovulate cd11 of my 24 day cycle.

10. What gender are you hoping for?
I will love any baby God blesses us with! BUT I want boys!! I would love to have 3 or 4 boys and then one little girl to finish things off. E, on the other hand, wants a little girl to spoil.

11. How many pregnancy books do you have?
I have one pregnancy, one infertility and Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs because she is hilarious!

12. How many HPTs do you take in a cycle?
Depends. I am actually very self controlled when it comes to pregnancy tests. I hate seeing negatives, it breaks my heart, so I will only test if I am 3+ days late. Sometimes I will hold off even longer. I was about a week late a few months ago, finally tested and it was POSITIVE! It was the happiest day of my life. I was in complete and utter shock. E and I were ecstatic and so thankful that I happened to have a dr appt that coming week… I miscarried the next day. It was Earth shattering. I try to avoid that. (BTW some people call that a chemical pregnany but I don’t like that term. Whatever you want to call it, I miscarried.)

13. What are some stress relievers you use during TTC?
I wish I could say yoga or working out, but I don’t really have any. I just keep busy.

14. What themes or designs do you like for a nursery?
I like simple themes, based on colors not animals or characters. I do not like cartoony or childish themes, just not my style.

15. Do you plan to do pregnancy blogs if you conceive?
Yes! I have been blogging since before it was called blogging (I had an AOL Zine when I was in JHigh and High School and a Xanga when I was in college.) I would probably keep this blog but definitely change the name.

16. What have you bought for future baby?
Nothing. I would go crazy if I had to constantly look at things that reminded me that I wasn’t pregnant.

17. Do you have a birth plan?
Nope. I really don’t like planning for things that aren’t even a possibility yet (aside from baby names as my last post shows). I feel like that just leads to heartbreak and false hope. Once I am pregnant I will be a shopping, planning mess!!