I had my follicle ultrasound on Thursday! The doctor said I had 3 very good follicles all around the same size on my left ovary. I had one smaller one on my right (That was the ovary with the most endo during my lap). He seemed pretty positive about our chances of getting pregnant this month. I am secretly praying for the possibility of twins, E is too. We would LOVE that! Doc said if I do not get pregnant this month, he will up my dosage of Clomid next month. Fingers crossed that we won’t even need to do that and this is my lucky month. 12 times a charm?! Now if I could just figure out when I ovulate! Clomid had pushed my cycle back 4 days already. So I have been peeing on OPKs like crazy and having sex everyday / every other day (side note: planning sex is really damn frustrating and annoying to me).
E & I have a good feeling about 2014 being OUR year. Things are really looking up for E’s career. He is finally getting passed the assholes in his chain of command and getting things accomplished and the recognition he deserves. He put in paperwork to go to RASP this week. It’s a 2 month Ranger selection process that, when passed and selected, will get him into the 75th Ranger Regiment. Which is kind of a huge deal, it’s a Special Operations job. I have been praying so hard for him, this is all he’s wanted since enlisting and he deserves it more than anyone I know. The past year has been so frustrating for him (and me) with his career. He has constantly been under the leadership of people who do not encourage him or lead him. He has been in 4 years and is the most decorated and experienced E4 in his company (more than his NCOs actually), yet still hasn’t been to the board. No matter what he does or how hard he tries it just seems to be one road block after another. It is so disheartening to watch him go through this and be powerless. But he was given a glimmer of hope this week and we will find out Monday if he will go to RASP or not.
I selfishly had a melt down when he told me he had a chance to go to RASP. The first thing I thought was “What about trying to get pregnant?!” I wanted to scream. I was at work and had to go to the bathroom to calm down. I know I can’t be mad about it, because he deserves it, but I am sad that if I am not pregnant by the time he goes, that means a guaranteed 2 months we will have to put this on hold. Then he will go through Ranger school, which is even longer. I can’t help but feel sad for me and my dreams being put on hold. But I’ve learned to accept God’s timing and have faith that it all will happen when He feels is right. Or so that’s what I have been telling myself. Needless to say, I’ve been praying for patience a lot lately.
3 years ago I promised myself I would never undergo another laproscopic procedure. I was bruised, bloated, miserable and certain I wouldn’t survive another day. Drugs did nothing. I cried every time I had to sit up, walk to get something or go to the bathroom. In fact going to the bathroom proved to be next to impossible after having endometriosis removed from my rectum and bladder. I would clench a towel in my hands while I bit down on another towel. Just to pee. 3 days after my surgery, I wound up in the ER with a 104 degree fever and a bladder infection. 2 weeks after my surgery, I returned to work. 9 weeks after my surgery, I finally felt normal again and pain free.
Thinking back on January 2011 brings tears to my eyes. But what makes me actually cry, is the fact that yesterday I scheduled my second laproscopic procedure to remove endometriosis. All in the hopes that after this surgery, my ovaries and tubes will be clear and I’ll finally be able to conceive. But nothing is 100%. I am scared to death.
That being said, I am so blessed that E will be by my side the entire time. By some miracle of God, he is able to get out of work and a very intense training for about a week to take care of me. I have 3 girl friends taking a day off to spend it with me while I recover. I have family that is trying to arrange schedules to be here.
So here goes nothing. January 15th I will kick endometriosis’ ass once again. Baby G will be here before we know it. I have faith that everything will happen in God’s timing.
I have this app on my phone called “Word.” It is a daily devotional and it has gotten me through some of the darkest times in this journey. The sermon always seems to speak right to me and fit my situation on the days I need it the most.
Today’s devotional discusses how with God all things are possible. As men, somethings are in fact humanly impossible. But if we put our faith in Him and let God take the wheel, we may just see that things aren’t so bad. That this is in fact the path He has created for is. And that the impossible can be possible with His salvation, forgiveness and love.
Today, I am feeling positive. I had a positive OPK on Saturday and DTD both Saturday and Sunday. I am feeling hopeful that this was a good month for E and I. And today I feel that, even though I am in pain and my body is fighting this disease, that with my faith this is possible. Conceiving is possible!
Sometimes we get so caught up in the worry and stress of TTC that we forget He has a plan.