Giving it to God

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How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.

I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.

love love love,
S

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I’m a Horrible Blogger

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It’s true. I have disappeared one too many times. I’m not writing to tell everyone I am back for good. Because I don’t really know. But I do have good news. Not THE good news, but it’s good news none the less. E and I just started on our second cycle of IVF!! I started my injections yesterday morning. They changed up the protocol this cycle. I am not taking the daily Lupron, but instead will be taking Cetrotide. Also, we will be doing both ICSI and assisted hatching this go round. We are feeling really good about the cycle. I am only working part time now at work, life is much less stressful and I feel like the timing now is better than before. We will be returning to Cleveland FOR GOOD in about 5 weeks and will be surrounded by family the entire pregnancy. We both feel so good about life right now. This is it. I just know it.

So, I started an Instagram to follow our journey through IVF to delivery (fingers crossed)! You can follow us at babyG_IVF

I will be posting there a lot more often than on here. It’s just easier to post a picture than to sit down and write an entire post. But I am still thinking of all my TTC sisters on here all the time. I pray for you all daily and I thank God that I found this community that has offered me so much support the passed few years. I am so blessed to not only be surrounded by love in my personal life, but virtually as well. If any of you have Instagram pages following your TTC journey, comment below and let me know your username so I can follow you!

love love love,
S

New Home & Baby Brain

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E and I are moving in 27 days. We found an adorable 3 bedroom home to rent and are upgrading from this tiny little one bedroom. When I moved into this apartment, it was just me and my dog, Sawyer. E and I were dating, and we were serious but he was having cold feet about living together. On my moving day he looks at me and says “I guess I am moving in with you.” REALLY?! PUNK! lol Had I planned for that, I wouldn’t have found a TINY (by tiny I mean like 600 sqft) apartment. 2 weeks later we were engaged. A month after that we were married. Funny how everything happens. Looking back on our last year in this apartment that we made a home is crazy. We added a kitten to our family, Spencer. We have completely filled every corner of this apartment with furniture and decor. We have made so many memories here, it’s our first home together. It will be bittersweet leaving. But I am so excited to be moving into a house! I look at this new house with bright eyes and so much hope. I see opportunity and growth. I can picture us bringing home our first child to this home. I pray so hard about this… That we will welcome a baby to this world within the next year or so. Every single thought in my head turns to baby and pregnancy. I see a house and I think of a nursery and walking like a zombie through the home to nurse my baby at 4 am. It’s a sickness! I have permanent baby brain.

I am currently 9dpo. Well technically I am 9 days passed my positive opk. So 7-9 ish dpo. Probably WAY too early to test. But I did anyway, BFN. The is nothing in this entire world I despise more than seeing that sad little lonely pink line. The day I see double lines I will probably lose my damn mind with excitement.

Sending Prayers

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So much bad news on my timeline this morning. While it is comforting to know I am not alone in this journey, I HATE that I am not alone because it means so many amazing, inspiring women are in pain. Everyone has their own path and God has plans for all of us, but I am praying so hard for my fellow ttc-ers  that they do not lose hope and that God’s plan brings them a happy & healthy baby.

I often see women who have been trying for years on end and I can’t help but wonder if that will be me. Will I be in this same spot a year from now? 5 years from now? Will this disease win? Will E & I end up adopting? What is our path?!! I run through scenario after scenario over and over and over. The uncertainty kills me and keeps me awake at night.

I am 1-2 ish days past ovulation and have had the most annoying pain in my left ovary. I am hoping that’s a good sign. But I honestly don’t know at all. I try to read up on all the symptoms along the way, ovulation, conception, implantation but there is no cut and dry answer and my ovaries hate me so I am always in pain as is. Oh add in that my pms symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms and I am pretty sure I will never actually believe I am pregnant until I am holding a baby. 

Anyway, praying for all you strong ladies out there!!!

The Big O

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The big O… Ovulation. Sorry for those of you who thought otherwise. Silly you, this is an infertility blog! 

I knew that Clomid would push back my ovulation date. I typically ovulate on cd11. Well I am at cd18 and still nothing according to my opks. I thought I was ovulating Sunday night though. I woke up from a dead sleep to EXCRUCIATING pain. I have survived endometriosis for years, including 2 laps now and several ruptured cysts. You’d think by now the pain wouldn’t get to me. But this was horrid. I felt like someone was stabbing me over and over. It hurt directly in the center of my very lower abdomen down to my butt. I could barely stand up straight, the fetal position was my only option. After one and a half hours, a hot bath, Aleve and a heating pad, the pain finally started to subside and left me with a horrible pressure and heaviness. I’m still feeling the same pressure and heaviness. In the midst of my sobbing melt down I did an opk. Negative. So now I am left wondering if those silly things even work on Clomid. Nothing online has given me a conclusive answer. I did call my doctor first thing Monday and he didn’t seem too worried. Which was reassuring, but at the same time I want answers! 

Has anyone had a similar experience on Clomid? When did you ovulate? How did you know? HELP!

Thankful

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Too often we focus on our problems in life, the minor to major annoyances, the aches and pains. This journey has taught me that survival is dependent on my ability to stay thankful. E and I have a little routine, every single day we talk about things that make us happy and good things that happened that day. If you are struggling with anything, I encourage you to try the same! Say it out loud, “I am thankful for…”

Today I am thankful for:
Coffee and blue berry muffins
Fur babies who snuggle with me when they know I’m in pain
A husband who always keeps my on my toes
Laughing with E about any and everything
Sunday mornings watching bad tv
Aleve and a bubble bath that helped calm my pain at 5am
Parents that gave me a fairy tale childhood
3 Siblings that make me laugh
A job to dread going to tomorrow morning
Friends that make that job bearable
Living in the south after 27 brutal winters in Ohio
This journey, that will undoubtedly teach me to cherish the children I WILL have one day!

Surgery #2

Image3 years ago I promised myself I would never undergo another laproscopic procedure. I was bruised, bloated, miserable and certain I wouldn’t survive another day. Drugs did nothing. I cried every time I had to sit up, walk to get something or go to the bathroom. In fact going to the bathroom proved to be next to impossible after having endometriosis removed from my rectum and bladder. I would clench a towel in my hands while I bit down on another towel. Just to pee. 3 days after my surgery, I wound up in the ER with a 104 degree fever and a bladder infection. 2 weeks after my surgery, I returned to work. 9 weeks after my surgery, I finally felt normal again and pain free.

Thinking back on January 2011 brings tears to my eyes. But what makes me actually cry, is the fact that yesterday I scheduled my second laproscopic procedure to remove endometriosis. All in the hopes that after this surgery, my ovaries and tubes will be clear and I’ll finally be able to conceive. But nothing is 100%. I am scared to death.

That being said, I am so blessed that E will be by my side the entire time. By some miracle of God, he is able to get out of work and a very intense training for about a week to take care of me. I have 3 girl friends taking a day off to spend it with me while I recover. I have family that is trying to arrange schedules to be here.

So here goes nothing. January 15th I will kick endometriosis’ ass once again. Baby G will be here before we know it. I have faith that everything will happen in God’s timing.

The Never Ending Cycle

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AF came Saturday. Month 10 was not our month. I really thought that double digits would bring us good luck. I have some weird reason why every month is going to be our month. But then AF comes, and the heartbreak sinks in again. I remember reading a blog once about the monthly cycle of a woman ttc. For those of you who haven’t experienced this this is how my month goes…

Cycle day 1: Heartbreak. The realization that another month has come and gone and my body still hasn’t done what it is supposed to do. Everything I’ve read and tried hasn’t worked. The prayers haven’t done anything. I usually find myself crying on this day. Anything can spark it, seeing a pregnant lady at Target, or a commercial with the perfect “family.” Any little reminder. Sometimes, I don’t even need that. Sometimes I just cry because the heartbreak is literally physically painful.

Cycle day 2-4: I am pretty numb. I cope. And then by the end of AF I have a plan of attack for next month. I start to find hope again. I read scripture and find myself praying more. I talk it out with E. We are on the same page & ready to make this month our month!

Cycle day 5-9: We try not to have sex too often, but let’s face it we both love sex. I am peeing on OPKs daily waiting for that +yes to show up. I am SO SURE this is our month now. I just know it. We make sure to have sex a day or two before my expected ovulation.

Cycle day 10-11: OPK gives me a +yes! Sometimes I tell E, sometimes I don’t. We have sex. We use Pre Seed. I stick my legs in the air for 20 minutes this month. Whatever it takes. I pray. We pray.

Cycle day 12-14: We have sex a couple more times. I try to keep things interesting. New positions. Lingerie. But the same thing happens. Pre seed. Legs in air. We start talking about baby names. We laugh about how funny we will be as parents. We plan family traditions and talk about the struggles of raising children in the military. We know this is the month.

Cycle day 15-22: Waiting. Dying of waiting. Praying and more praying. I try not to overdo the baby talk during the wait. I don’t want to jinx it. Every little minor ache or pain gives me hope. Maybe it’s implantation! I tell myself this over and over. I might have some spotting. When I do I immediately tell E. He gets so excited assuming it implantation bleeding, he rubs my belly and says we did it. We made a baby. I am constantly examining my body. Are my boobs heavier? Are they sore? Do I see more veins? Am I easily bloated? Are smells stronger than usual? I am in constant sensory overload. My mind never turns off. But every day I wake up and know this is the month!

Cycle day 23: I have minor cramping. My period starts in 2 days. It surely wouldn’t come this early… must be a good sign!

Cycle day 24: One more day (I have a short cycle) and we will possibly have even more belief that this month worked! I cramp here & there but fully believe that is from pregnancy or my endometriosis. Definitely NOT the beginning of AF. Can’t be. I am excited and so hopeful. This month hasn’t been stressful. We know what we’re doing now. We’re eating right. I’m not drinking. I laid off the caffeine. This is the month!

Cycle day 1: Heartbreak.

 

Rinse & Repeat.

 

Finding Strength

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A friend told me last night that she admires my strength and how I still live my life and have a positive outlook while facing these challenges. It almost caught me off guard. When I look at myself in the mirror I paint these words onto myself: infertile, sick, diseased, angry, sad, numb. But never strong.

There was a time when I would’ve considered myself strong. I have been through a lot in my life. And 2 years ago, in the middle of my rock bottom, I packed up my car and moved south on a whim. No real plan. No friends. I just started over. That took strength. That took balls I don’t think I have anymore! But today I feel anything but strong on the inside. And I guess it’s time I stop that.

I am strong. I have faced challenges both big and small in my life. I have persevered. I stand here today facing this obstacle with some strange optimism that it WILL work out. I don’t know where that hope comes from. Because I still break down every month when my period starts. I cry myself to sleep some nights. And I guess I always thought that made me weak. But it doesn’t, it makes me human.

My friends kind words, though she may have thought they were insignificant, meant so much to me. Today I know I possess a strength and determination to survive this struggle. I will show this disease who’s boss.