Mama said there’d be weeks like this?

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My week started bad and just got worse. Let me break it down for you.

Tuesday I was supposed to start injections for my first round of IUI. I was nervous all morning before my appointment. I was not looking forward to starting this while E was gone. The nurse starts to prepare all the drugs then remembers she has to go over my blood work…. My estrodial was high. VERY high. So she brought the RE in and did an ultrasound to see what is going on in this crazy body of mine. HUGE endometrioma (chocolate cyst) on my right ovary. Like giant. Bigger than the one they removed at my surgery in January. He said my ovaries look bad and he couldn’t believe I just had surgery this year. He brought in the other RE and the two of them and the nurse looked over my scans. All 3 agreed IUI is not the way to go right now. Then they dropped the bomb… they are fairly certain IUI will never be the way to go and that my tubes are likely blocked. I still have my HSG scheduled for next week, but none of us have high hopes. They started me on birth control to regulate my hormones and prepare me for IVF in January. BIRTH CONTROL. Like… really? I have been ttc for nearly 2 years and now I am taking birth control. I always knew IVF was a possibility but I NEVER thought it would be my only option. If this HSG confirms our worst fears, I will never conceive naturally.

My heart is completely broken. I left the doctor sobbing. Returned to work, shut my office door and cried on and off all afternoon. Sobbed on the phone with my Mom the entire way home from work. Sobbed alone on the couch all night.

I prayed all day that I would finally hear from E and I could cry to him. God answered that prayer. I finally heard from my husband late Tuesday night. I started crying the minute his number popped up on my phone. And he knew just what to say. He told me we will be fine, we will do whatever we have to to have our family and that it will be fine. We will be fine. We will be fine. And we will… It’s just going to be a long bumpy road. I am so thankful I have him to walk down this road with.

So, Wednesday I scheduled a last minute chiropractor appt because all the stress from the passed couple days had gone straight to my back. I hadn’t been in months so the Dr. was asking me what was going on. I told him it was stress and explained that I was struggling with infertility. What did this idiot man say to me in response you might ask?! “It could be worse.” & “Count your blessings.” & “You can always adopt.” SERIOUSLY? FUCK OFF. Yes it could be worse, I could be dying from cancer but DO NOT minimize my pain. Fucker. If I wasn’t in so much pain I would have left his office. But I NEEDED an adjustment. Needless to say I will not be going back to him.

The bad news doesn’t end there. E was supposed to be home from Ft. Polk this week… it got pushed back to next week. No idea why. They are done with their training and are pretty much just sitting around. My guess? Lack of preparation. They probably didn’t book the buses far enough in advance to bring the guys back to Bragg. Typical Army bullshit. It never ends.

I have been able to talk to E all week since he now has his phone back, which is nice. But I am just ready for him to come home. It has been a long month.

So that’s my week. I hope and pray everyone else had a better week than I did! And thank you so so so much for all the kind words on my last post. I am so blessed to have found this community.

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The End is Near!

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Week 3 of E being gone. Week 2 of no communication. I am missing my husband like freaking crazy. I have always been very independent, but it is so hard to go from talking to someone all day every day, spending every night with them, curling up with them in bed every night to… loneliness. Thanks to the Army, I have become fairly good at the drastic adjustment, but our time away is usually a few days, a week or so at max. Never this long and definitely never this long without talking. I am ready for E to come home. I am done, over it, I’m waving the white flag!!! Enough is enough. Thank God, we are on the tale end of his training in Louisiana. He SHOULD be home this week some time.

I made a to-do list of things to get done while he was away. I LOVE lists. So far I have tackled:

1. Organized our bedroom closet. Mainly our massive amount of shoes. I finally bought a shoe rack and one of those plastic stacked drawer things for some of E’s Army stuff (By some I mean 1/10th of it. We have an entire bedroom FULL of the rest of it).
2. Decorated for fall! I made a new fall wreath, decorated our mantle and hung other fall/Halloween decorations around the house.

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3. Cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. Tupperware overload. I got it all organized and in a workable system.
4. Yard work… okay. So not all of it, but I just mowed the back yard and that left me in a pile of sweat even on this cool 60 degree morning. For some bizarre reason, our front yard is a different type of grass and doesn’t really grow. So that can wait.
5. Scrubbed the floors. Our house is mostly carpet (EW) but the kitchen and bathrooms were in major need of a good scrub.
6. Cleaned both bathrooms, scrubbed the tubs and toilets and organized the cabinets.
7. Bought new couch pillows. I have gone through about 5 sets already. I just couldn’t find something I LOVED. But I finally found them!!
8. Organized our office files. I have been hoarding paperwork since I was in college. It was purge time. I went through all our files and threw away all the junk and organized the rest into a nice little filing tote.
9. Stocked the fridge for E’s return. I like to take care of my man, he works hard and is an amazing husband, so why not? I made sure the fridge and cupboards are stocked with all his favorites!
10. Ordered and picked up our journaling bible. I have been looking to get a journaling bible for a while now. I immediately flipped to my favorite verse. Hebrews 11:11.

“By Faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was passed the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.”

11. Printed out 8×10″ mounted baby pics of E and I for the bathroom. I have had this project planned for months but just never got around to it… I mean, how cute were we?!

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Still to do:
1. Wash and vacuum both our cars. I’m going to tackle that today. It’s the perfect day to do it, it’s beautiful outside!
2. Run to the Wine & Beer shop and put together a 6 pack for E. E loves trying new beers. We are lucky that we have a little shop in town that carries random beers from all over the world and allows you to create your own 6 pack. It’s pricey, but worth it. And it always makes him happy.

So aside from all that I have been busy being stressed the fuck out over this IUI cycle. I am on CD2, so I have to go in for blood work tomorrow and then I will start injections probably Tuesday. I was really counting on E being home for that part, but life never goes as planned, does it? My period came 4 days early… oh well. Such is life! I am going to have a girlfriend come over when I do my first injection (Unless by some miracle of God E gets home early enough). The following week I will have my HSG and then shortly after my very first IUI if everything is clear! I am praying for good results. I’ve been dealt so much bad news, I could use some good news for a change!

Happy Sunday!!

Bloodwork, HSG & IUI. Oh my!

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My RE, myself and my lovely hubs have decided to give IUI 3 tries before diving in to IVF. My previous Dr. felt like IUI wouldn’t work because of the severity of my endo. But it costs $250 with our medical insurance, which is a HELL of a lot cheaper than IVF, so I figure it’s worth a few solid attempts. So, our plan is to schedule my HSG for early next cycle (sometime in the next weekish) and then, pending my tubes are clear, we will start injectibles and then IUI! Dear God, please let this work!

At my appointment last week they took TWELVE vials of blood. My right arm gave out at 11 so they had to take one from my left. My arm hurt for about 3 days afterward and had a pretty bruise. One of the many perks of infertility.

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So, in other news… E is still gone. I haven’t talked to him for about a week now and it’s torture. I am ready for the Army to give him back. He should be back within the next 7-10 days but I really have no idea. Everything is so up in the air. All the time. One of the many perks of being a military wife.

Can we just fast forward 2 weeks?

Prisoner of Hope

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It’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote… I guess I’ve been slacking. The truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot lately… TTC is exhausting and it’s wearing me out. Clomid isn’t working. In fact, all it’s doing is screwing up my cycles and giving me anger issues. I’ve been snapping at everyone, over the littlest things. My temper has always been short but this is just ugly. My faith is being tested for sure right now… I have been feeling hopeless.

But then I met C. One of my very best friends has talked about her as long as I’ve known her. I felt like I already knew her when I met her last night. I don’t know her whole story, but this is what I do know… she was struggling with ttc for a while. She tried IUI, got pregnant and that ended in a miscarriage. But she and her husband tried again and now, she’s like 7 months pregnant. And healthy. And happy. We didn’t even talk about her IUI attempts or how long she had been ttc. But just seeing her adorable baby bump and her pregnancy glow last night was the hope I needed. This is NOT impossible. I WILL be a mother someday… an amazing mother. That day will come, I am 100% sure of it. These struggles will be worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms.

I had a follow up this week with my doctor. He is concerned that the Clomid isn’t working right. My LP was only a week long last month, which is not normal. If this month doesn’t work, he has me starting Clomid at CD3 instead of CD5 and at a higher dosage. I will then have another follicle US and possibly a trigger shot. We discussed other options, maybe trying Femara or injectibles. But that is further down the road. E came with me and was full of questions. Having him here for me and knowing that he is just as invested in this as me, is such a comfort. I am so blessed. He really is amazing. The doctor looked us both in the eyes and said “I will get you pregnant. This isn’t impossible. It’s just a matter of how.” I needed to hear that, so bad.

In other news, E’s parents are coming into town from Southern California this week. They get in Friday and are staying for a week. I wish I could say I am excited. But his Mom is a passive aggressive bitch. Pray for me. lol

Since it’s Sunday I feel it is only appropriate to talk about what I am thankful for today…

Kitty snuggles before bedtime
Footloose … currently watching, I’m obsessed
Pinterest
Being completely settled into our new home
The fact that I work full time and won’t have to spend every day all day with my in-laws next week
Pink Sands Yankee Candle
Living in the South, where it’s 80 degrees in April

Clomid Round 1

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I am writing you from my shiny, new, white HP Chromebook. I adore this thing. The Chrome OS is simple and intuitive and SO FAST. I don’t use my laptop for anything crazy, so this simple laptop is perfect.

Anyway, I am in super high spirits today (my posts probably seem so bi-polar). I made it in to the doctor the day after the snow storm and he put me on Clomid. We talked about a few options he feels I have for now and the future. 1) Lupron. This is a monthly shot that helps get rid of endo. Apparently, he couldn’t get all of the endo in me. BUT he did cleared and freed my tubes as well as my ovaries. SO reproductively, I am good to go. While you’re on Lupron you cannot ttc though. And it is known to have some crazy side effects. Which have made me super apprehensive. 2) Clomid. Helps create more, healthier eggs. 3) IVF. This is a further down the road thing, but he has expressed that IUI wouldn’t help with my type of infertility so after the Lupron and Clomid, IVF would be next. 

So far, I have taken 3 doses of Clomid and experienced ZERO side effects. Zilch! I was expecting the worst, I always am. But I haven’t been moody, no head aches or stomach aches. In fact, I think the Clomid has actually helped my sleep. I’m usually a pretty sound sleeper but after the surgery I was tossing and turning all night every night. I haven’t been waking up at all. And I have been having CRAZY dreams. Which, again, isn’t abnormal for me but these past 3 days have been even crazier than normal. Clomid has given me so much hope for this cycle.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday to check out my pretty little follicles. I’m excited to see what the doc has to say!