How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.
I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.
Today is a bad day. Yesterday was a bad day. The day before that was bad too.
We had so much hope in that picture. That was taken moments after 2 beautiful rated “great” embryos were transferred into my uterus. Immediately afterward we went to Target and blissfully purchased two 3 month sleepers. One boy, one girl. We celebrated at our favorite Mexican place for lunch. We told everyone we were pregnant until proven otherwise!!! We never thought we would be proven otherwise.
They had retrieved 14 mature eggs. We decided not to do ICSI for financial reasons and only 2 fertilized. We took that as a sign. We would be bringing these two little nuggets home in 9 months. We wouldn’t need the rest to freeze. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK.
Tuesday night, the eve of my beta test, I took my first hpt in MONTHS. It was positive. VERY faint positive, but positive none the less. Within an hour I started spotting. I dismissed it when it stopped. I went in for my beta the next morning and went about my day. They left the results on my voice mail so I could listen once I left work. It was positive… but it was low. And I don’t mean 20 low. My beta was 6. They explained it could be a late implanter or it could be a chemical. But they were worried. Then I started bleeding very heavily. It hasn’t stopped and I am passing clots now. My doctor required me to do a second beta this morning and I am waiting for those results. Miracles happen but I know in my heart it is over.
I have sobbed. I have screamed. We have pleaded with God for this embryo to fight, fight, fight! We needed this baby. We have prayed for this baby for 2 years. My faith is shaken right now. I am trying so hard to cope and to understand why God has paved this path for our lives. I don’t get it. I am constantly questioning why we do everything right and still lose. We are at rock bottom right now. I have never seen E react the way he has… we both broke down last night. In the midst of all of this things are crazy at his work and it is so much to carry right now.
I don’t know what’s next. Financially we don’t have another $9,000 to spend. We didn’t have it the first time. We had to charge some, my Dad gave us money as well. Where do we go next? I refuse to give up on our dreams for a family… but what is our path? I just don’t know anymore.
Please say a prayer for us tonight.
PS I don’t know how often I will be posting. But you all have been on my heart so much lately.