No, I am not okay.

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Clomid round 1 was a fail. AF showed her pretty little face yesterday. I’m heartbroken. But mostly I’m pissed at my body for not doing what it’s meant to.

The doctor called me in another rx of Clomid, double dosage from last month. I’m at Rite Aid just now getting it filled and while I’m there I pick up some opks, preseed and primrose oil. The cashier notices these things… This is our convo:

Cashier: “Good luck”
S: “Thanks, I need all the luck I can get.”
C: “Yeah, some people are just pregnant like that.” Snaps fingers.
S: “I hate those people.”
C: “Well you can hate me, my husband looks at me and I get pregnant.”
S: Rolls eyes & grunts. “I wish that was my problem, it’s been a year.”
C: “Oh that’s not bad!”
S: Rolls eyes & grunts. “I guess not.”

REALLY LADY? GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. Not only am I hormonal and on my period but I am heartbroken and pissed. Screw you and your fertility.

I am not okay. And right now, that’s okay. Tomorrow I will put my big girl panties on and suck it up. I’d love to say “I Quit” this roller coaster ride but I can’t. Because I want a child and I will do whatever it takes to have one.

Bring on the Clomid.

Sending Prayers

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So much bad news on my timeline this morning. While it is comforting to know I am not alone in this journey, I HATE that I am not alone because it means so many amazing, inspiring women are in pain. Everyone has their own path and God has plans for all of us, but I am praying so hard for my fellow ttc-ers  that they do not lose hope and that God’s plan brings them a happy & healthy baby.

I often see women who have been trying for years on end and I can’t help but wonder if that will be me. Will I be in this same spot a year from now? 5 years from now? Will this disease win? Will E & I end up adopting? What is our path?!! I run through scenario after scenario over and over and over. The uncertainty kills me and keeps me awake at night.

I am 1-2 ish days past ovulation and have had the most annoying pain in my left ovary. I am hoping that’s a good sign. But I honestly don’t know at all. I try to read up on all the symptoms along the way, ovulation, conception, implantation but there is no cut and dry answer and my ovaries hate me so I am always in pain as is. Oh add in that my pms symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms and I am pretty sure I will never actually believe I am pregnant until I am holding a baby. 

Anyway, praying for all you strong ladies out there!!!

The Big O

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The big O… Ovulation. Sorry for those of you who thought otherwise. Silly you, this is an infertility blog! 

I knew that Clomid would push back my ovulation date. I typically ovulate on cd11. Well I am at cd18 and still nothing according to my opks. I thought I was ovulating Sunday night though. I woke up from a dead sleep to EXCRUCIATING pain. I have survived endometriosis for years, including 2 laps now and several ruptured cysts. You’d think by now the pain wouldn’t get to me. But this was horrid. I felt like someone was stabbing me over and over. It hurt directly in the center of my very lower abdomen down to my butt. I could barely stand up straight, the fetal position was my only option. After one and a half hours, a hot bath, Aleve and a heating pad, the pain finally started to subside and left me with a horrible pressure and heaviness. I’m still feeling the same pressure and heaviness. In the midst of my sobbing melt down I did an opk. Negative. So now I am left wondering if those silly things even work on Clomid. Nothing online has given me a conclusive answer. I did call my doctor first thing Monday and he didn’t seem too worried. Which was reassuring, but at the same time I want answers! 

Has anyone had a similar experience on Clomid? When did you ovulate? How did you know? HELP!

Praying for Patience

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I had my follicle ultrasound on Thursday! The doctor said I had 3 very good follicles all around the same size on my left ovary. I had one smaller one on my right (That was the ovary with the most endo during my lap). He seemed pretty positive about our chances of getting pregnant this month. I am secretly praying for the possibility of twins, E is too. We would LOVE that! Doc said if I do not get pregnant this month, he will up my dosage of Clomid next month. Fingers crossed that we won’t even need to do that and this is my lucky month. 12 times a charm?! Now if I could just figure out when I ovulate! Clomid had pushed my cycle back 4 days already. So I have been peeing on OPKs like crazy and having sex everyday / every other day (side note: planning sex is really damn frustrating and annoying to me). 

E & I have a good feeling about 2014 being OUR year. Things are really looking up for E’s career. He is finally getting passed the assholes in his chain of command and getting things accomplished and the recognition he deserves. He put in paperwork to go to RASP this week. It’s a 2 month Ranger selection process that, when passed and selected, will get him into the 75th Ranger Regiment. Which is kind of a huge deal, it’s a Special Operations job. I have been praying so hard for him, this is all he’s wanted since enlisting and he deserves it more than anyone I know. The past year has been so frustrating for him (and me) with his career. He has constantly been under the leadership of people who do not encourage him or lead him. He has been in 4 years and is the most decorated and experienced E4 in his company (more than his NCOs actually), yet still hasn’t been to the board. No matter what he does or how hard he tries it just seems to be one road block after another. It is so disheartening to watch him go through this and be powerless. But he was given a glimmer of hope this week and we will find out Monday if he will go to RASP or not.

I selfishly had a melt down when he told me he had a chance to go to RASP. The first thing I thought was “What about trying to get pregnant?!” I wanted to scream. I was at work and had to go to the bathroom to calm down. I know I can’t be mad about it, because he deserves it, but I am sad that if I am not pregnant by the time he goes, that means a guaranteed 2 months we will have to put this on hold. Then he will go through Ranger school, which is even longer. I can’t help but feel sad for me and my dreams being put on hold. But I’ve learned to accept God’s timing and have faith that it all will happen when He feels is right. Or so that’s what I have been telling myself. Needless to say, I’ve been praying for patience a lot lately.

Clomid Round 1

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I am writing you from my shiny, new, white HP Chromebook. I adore this thing. The Chrome OS is simple and intuitive and SO FAST. I don’t use my laptop for anything crazy, so this simple laptop is perfect.

Anyway, I am in super high spirits today (my posts probably seem so bi-polar). I made it in to the doctor the day after the snow storm and he put me on Clomid. We talked about a few options he feels I have for now and the future. 1) Lupron. This is a monthly shot that helps get rid of endo. Apparently, he couldn’t get all of the endo in me. BUT he did cleared and freed my tubes as well as my ovaries. SO reproductively, I am good to go. While you’re on Lupron you cannot ttc though. And it is known to have some crazy side effects. Which have made me super apprehensive. 2) Clomid. Helps create more, healthier eggs. 3) IVF. This is a further down the road thing, but he has expressed that IUI wouldn’t help with my type of infertility so after the Lupron and Clomid, IVF would be next. 

So far, I have taken 3 doses of Clomid and experienced ZERO side effects. Zilch! I was expecting the worst, I always am. But I haven’t been moody, no head aches or stomach aches. In fact, I think the Clomid has actually helped my sleep. I’m usually a pretty sound sleeper but after the surgery I was tossing and turning all night every night. I haven’t been waking up at all. And I have been having CRAZY dreams. Which, again, isn’t abnormal for me but these past 3 days have been even crazier than normal. Clomid has given me so much hope for this cycle.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday to check out my pretty little follicles. I’m excited to see what the doc has to say!

Snowpocalypse of 2014

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I try really hard to be positive, but today I just can’t find that place of positivity. And I need to vent. Prepare yourselves for some serious rambling. And if you make it through this post (or just skim through it) can you leave me some positive words and say some prayers because my heart is heavy tonight….

So as I have said before, I am from Cleveland, Ohio. We trudge through 2′ of snow in negative degree wind chills and don’t flinch. So when NC declares a state of emergency over 2″ of snow, mostly it makes me laugh. And when my work closes over this, it makes me giddy like a school kid having a snow day back home. BUT when my doctor closes, without any notice or phone call to me, the day I have my post-op appointment, it pisses me off to no end. E and I drove across town (mind you the roads are pretty much dry and snow/ice free) for my appointment today only to be met by locked doors. I immediately started crying. Yes I am overly emotional but this journey has been so stressful and complicated and frustrating that everything makes me cry. I called my doctor yesterday to check on the status of their office and was told by the receptionist that if they were to close, I would get a phone call. Nope, didn’t happen. And I figured if they called I would ask to speak to the nurse or my doctor to see if he could call me in an RX of Clomid. See, I am CD4 today and it’s my first cycle post op so my next step is Clomid, and you typically have to start Clomid on CD5. So, needless to say, I am calling them first thing in the AM and praying the doctor agrees to call in the RX tomorrow so I can start it tomorrow.

So after the appt. E is initially kind, he holds my hand in the truck and tells me everything will be okay, they’ll call it in and it’ll be fine. But it doesn’t help. Then he gets frustrated with my frustration and starts an argument in the grocery store parking lot. JUST WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.

Come home, all I want is a bubble bath to soak my sorrows and zone out to some T.Swift. Hot water lasts all of 5 minutes. Cue more tears. Only now I am wet and cold. And this brings me to my next frustration with living in the south. They are so completely unprepared for cold weather that the hot water tanks and heaters are actually rated different than the ones back home (according to my landlord, I haven’t actually verified this). So not only does my water heater not warm water as quickly, but my heater pulls in cold air from outside and cannot heat it, so it pumps cold air into my apartment continuously. We have purchased a space heater but that’s besides the point! I am angry, cold and hormonal.

There’s more, bear with me.

I bundle up and plop on the couch and am instantly greeted by my adorable and snuggly cat. He curls up right on my chest as if he knows I am upset and that I need his love right now. This instantly snaps me back to the day I found out I have endometriosis. I was working the night shift at the hospital and had a doctor appt. before my shift. I was in a bad place in my life in general and every single doctor appt had me on pins and needles. I was so sick of being poked and prodded and just wanted answers. I just prayed that the answer wasn’t endo. But it was. I called off work, drove straight home and collapsed in the corner of my bedroom in the dark sobbing. I have two aunts with endo and one was never able to conceive. I had done my research on the disease and I knew a diagnosis meant a lot of uncertainty, pain, drugs and the possibility of infertility. I was inconsolable but my two cats instantly ran to me and didn’t leave my lap for the entire night. In that moment, they saved me. I had no one. I was in a loveless relationship, fighting with my best friend and my parents were going through an ugly divorce. It’s crazy how in tune to our emotions our pets are.

Anyway, I just want this to be over. I want a cure. I want a fucking miracle.

TTC Survey

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I am jumping on the TTC Tag band wagon! This is actually a survey that was created for Vloggers, but since I don’t have a Vlog you get it this way!

1. How long have you been TTC?
We have been actively trying since March 2013, 11 months, but technically 12 cycles now. But I stopped taking birth control about 5 months before that and we never used condoms. o.O

2. How many kids do you have/want?
We both want big families, 3 minimum! I’d love to have 5 though.

3. How old are you and your husband?
I am 29, E is 24.

4. How long have you been married?
We have been married since March 2013.

5. What are some crazy things you do while TTC?
Pee on a million sticks (ovulation and pregnancy), stick my legs in the air after sex for as long as I can take, use Pre-Seed, scower endometriosis and infertility boards and websites, track my ovulation and record all symptoms in an app on my phone, OBSESS. lol

6. Does your husband know all about TTC?
Yes! I am so blessed, E is 100% on board. He is supportive, educated, understanding and just as excited for a future little baby G as I am (Well ALMOST as much as I am).

7. Have you been diagnosed with any kind of infertility?
I have had endometriosis since I was a teen and when I was about 26 my doctor explained that the severity of mine would likely cause fertility issues. So we knew going into this that we were facing challenges. Luckily, I have been able to find an amazing doctor who wasted no time getting E tested (to rule him out) and planning a course of action for getting me pregnant.

8. What keeps you busy during the 2WW?
Working full time is amazing. It keeps my mind occupied during the day. But typically I go a little crazy during the 2WW anyway.

9. What day do you usually ovulate?
Even though I have endometriosis, my cycles are pretty regular. I usually ovulate cd11 of my 24 day cycle.

10. What gender are you hoping for?
I will love any baby God blesses us with! BUT I want boys!! I would love to have 3 or 4 boys and then one little girl to finish things off. E, on the other hand, wants a little girl to spoil.

11. How many pregnancy books do you have?
I have one pregnancy, one infertility and Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs because she is hilarious!

12. How many HPTs do you take in a cycle?
Depends. I am actually very self controlled when it comes to pregnancy tests. I hate seeing negatives, it breaks my heart, so I will only test if I am 3+ days late. Sometimes I will hold off even longer. I was about a week late a few months ago, finally tested and it was POSITIVE! It was the happiest day of my life. I was in complete and utter shock. E and I were ecstatic and so thankful that I happened to have a dr appt that coming week… I miscarried the next day. It was Earth shattering. I try to avoid that. (BTW some people call that a chemical pregnany but I don’t like that term. Whatever you want to call it, I miscarried.)

13. What are some stress relievers you use during TTC?
I wish I could say yoga or working out, but I don’t really have any. I just keep busy.

14. What themes or designs do you like for a nursery?
I like simple themes, based on colors not animals or characters. I do not like cartoony or childish themes, just not my style.

15. Do you plan to do pregnancy blogs if you conceive?
Yes! I have been blogging since before it was called blogging (I had an AOL Zine when I was in JHigh and High School and a Xanga when I was in college.) I would probably keep this blog but definitely change the name.

16. What have you bought for future baby?
Nothing. I would go crazy if I had to constantly look at things that reminded me that I wasn’t pregnant.

17. Do you have a birth plan?
Nope. I really don’t like planning for things that aren’t even a possibility yet (aside from baby names as my last post shows). I feel like that just leads to heartbreak and false hope. Once I am pregnant I will be a shopping, planning mess!!

The Name Game

ImageI’m a week post op and the past day or so have been experiencing new pains. I have been cramping and have had a headache that will not quit. I haven’t slept through a night yet and last night I woke up with this weird tingling (almost like a painful tickle) in my lower chest on the right side. Of course it gave me anxiety because I am a hypochondriac and that just made it even more impossible to sleep. Awesome! My post op appointment is next Wednesday and I am praying the doc puts me on Clomid for my next cycle. Fingers crossed!

This surgery has put E and I in such great spirits. We are so ready and so hopeful for little baby G! We’ve been talking baby names more than ever. It’s a weird obsession I have actually. When I was 6 or 7 I found this baby names book of my Mom’s and I just sat and read through it over and over and over. I still have that book somewhere actually. I have always had a love for names, and their meanings and origins. I chose my favorite girls name when I was about 10 and it has been my favorite ever since. E has agreed to it but we have yet to completely agree on a boys name.

Future baby G possible names:

Reagan Michelle: Reagan is Irish (as am I!) and means “Little King” It’s a unisex name but I love it for a girl. Michelle is my Mom’s name and means “Who is Like God.” This has been my future baby girls name since 1994 ish thanks to The Exorcist! haha

Aria Madison: Aria is Italian and means “Lioness.” I am a Leo and love the meaning behind my zodiac and the fierceness of a lion. I also have a thing for presidential names, thus the middle name Madison.

Jamison: This is a variation of Jameson, it’s an English name and it’s one of the few boy names Eric has approved! Our first boy will have my maiden name as his middle name. This is a family tradition of mine.

Declan Ryan: Another Irish name that means “Man of Prayer.” I love biblical and religious names. Our second son would have the middle name Ryan. This is E’s middle name and the name of a cousin of his that passed away as a child. Again, an Irish name that means “Little King.” E actually hasn’t approved Declan, but I will keep pushing for it.

Elias: This is a Greek & Hispanic (E is Hispanic!) name that means “Lord is my God.”

Julian: Julian is a Hispanic name and means “Youthful.” I have always loved this name and recently met a little boy named Julian that re-introduced me to my love for this name.

Roman: Another Hispanic name. I love this name, it makes me think of strength and pride.

Luca: Luca is Latin and means “Light.”This is another name I feel represents a strong male.

Well, This Sucks.

ImageI am sick of talking about fertility. I am sick of thinking about trying to get pregnant. I am EXHAUSTED.

No one realizes what this does to you, trying to conceive for 11 months, battling a disease that most people don’t understand… it tears you apart. Throw in the occasional “I’ll have your baby for you!!” comment and it can ruin an entire night. People don’t get it and I keep telling myself this every day, but it doesn’t help. I want someone, other than a stranger on the computer, to get it. I want a friend who actually understands. Not that I would EVER wish this life upon anyone, but I just want that support, that bond. It’s sad, and I am mad at myself for letting it happen, but going through this has actually put a wedge in most of my friendships. Maybe that makes me cold, that I don’t reply to the pictures of your growing baby bump or “like” your status’ on Facebook anymore but it is what it is. I have put up a wall.

In fact, looking back on my life, this is what I always do. I block people out of my life to protect my heart. When my parents divorced, I was a week shy of 21. (Happy Birthday!) As an instant response to this Earth shattering event, I stopped going to classes, I started partying A LOT, I tried to find comfort in the arms of any guy that gave me attention (and then quickly kicked him to the curb when he attempted to get too close), I fought daily with my best friend and ended up pushing her out of my life for a year or two. I chased after anything that that was temporary and rejected the idea of any kind of permanence in my life. Because if my parents, after 25 years of marriage and 4 children, couldn’t last than surely, nothing could. I refused to get attached to anyone or anything and I lived my life like that for years. I broke hearts and lost friends all because of this wall, this divide I NEEDED to create. And here I am doing the same thing again.

According to my Mom, I’ve always been a runner. And according to my Dad, I left a string of broken hearts across NE Ohio. In fact, E is the only thing that has made me stand still. He has grounded me. So of course I am thankful for that. I have him, and he IS going through this with me. He sees my pain and my struggles. But I still don’t think he gets it completely.

I am completely rambling today. I have a lot on my mind and T Minus 4 sleeps until my surgery. I’m scared, overwhelmed and ready for this to be over. I don’t know how people ttc for years on end. I suppose I would, if I had to (but Dear God, I pray I don’t have to), but I am over it. This sucks.

 

Thankful

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Too often we focus on our problems in life, the minor to major annoyances, the aches and pains. This journey has taught me that survival is dependent on my ability to stay thankful. E and I have a little routine, every single day we talk about things that make us happy and good things that happened that day. If you are struggling with anything, I encourage you to try the same! Say it out loud, “I am thankful for…”

Today I am thankful for:
Coffee and blue berry muffins
Fur babies who snuggle with me when they know I’m in pain
A husband who always keeps my on my toes
Laughing with E about any and everything
Sunday mornings watching bad tv
Aleve and a bubble bath that helped calm my pain at 5am
Parents that gave me a fairy tale childhood
3 Siblings that make me laugh
A job to dread going to tomorrow morning
Friends that make that job bearable
Living in the south after 27 brutal winters in Ohio
This journey, that will undoubtedly teach me to cherish the children I WILL have one day!