FIVE

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5. Five.

That is the number of perfectly sized follicles I had this cycle. Femara is amazing. I had zero side effects and more follicles than on Clomid. I didn’t use opks again this cycle, but I started temping. I’m not very good at reading this damn chart though. Maybe someone can help me decipher it. See above ^^^

My doctor was so positive about this cycle that he went ahead and scheduled a pregnancy test for next Tuesday. He has NEVER done that. I swear if I can’t get pregnant with 5 follicles and bd 4 times in my fertile window, I am DOOMED. Doomed I tell you.

 

 

Waiting

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I started spotting on Tuesday night. It continued through yesterday. The entire time I thought it was implantation. My period wasn’t due for a week. There is no way I’d have a 20 day cycle. No way. I KNOW my body… it may be crazy but I have never had a 20 day cycle. All month I told myself this was the month. I have said that before, but something felt different this month. I had a progesterone draw Wednesday and spoke with my doctor who reassured me my scan last week was perfect and it was very unlikely my period was starting. I waited impatiently for my progesterone results. Checking my patient portal at work every 20 minutes. Stressing. Praying the number was high, please be over 7 I said over and over and over. I prayed. I pleaded. I planned. Two days later I got my results. 2.3…. two point three. My heart broke, like it does every single month. But this time it hurt worse. I shut my office door and cried. I confided in E and my friends who knew I was waiting on these results. The doctor prescribed me Femara to start on my third cd, which we both agreed was probably that day. So what does 2.3 mean? While technically this is in the normal range, it’s likely I did not ovulate at all. The Clomid wasn’t working. I was creating beautiful follicles but not ovulating apparently. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can move on from Clomid, try a cycle on Femara and now I am one step closer. We have more answers. One less thing I have to question.

One of my friends sent me the image above yesterday. She always knows just what to say. I am so blessed to have understanding and supportive people in my life. People who’s beliefs align with mine and always remind me that God’s timing is perfect. He will fulfill the desires of my heart. He just will. I know that. I have never questioned that, although I do have my “Why me?” screaming moments every month, I have never questioned God. My faith is unwavering and I cannot wait to see what plans He has for my life. I will continue to fight this and search for the answers God (and my doctors) will provide. My strength to carry on every month and wipe my tears comes from that faith.

My Very first Baby Purchase

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I have a confession.

After 15 months of ttc, I purchased my very first baby item. Cleveland Browns booties. I couldn’t help myself, they were only $10 on Groupon! I was born & raised in Cleveland, being a Browns fan is not even an option for my future off spring. They need to experience the heartache that I have my entire life. Poor things. Maybe in their lifetime we will go to a Superbowl! A girl can dream right?

But really, I think that is quite an accomplishment that in over a year I have had enough self control to not buy baby stuff. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Trust me, every time I go to Target I make a trip through the baby aisles while I cry a little inside. Clearly, I’m really into self torture.

Follicle scan update: 3 very plump follicles and a thick lining! I go in Wednesday to get my progesterone tested to make sure I ovulated. This was the first month, aside from my surgery month, that I did not use OPKs. It was so liberating!!! Not having to stress about when I am ovulating and just trusting my body. I am praying so hard that the decrease in stress and the increase in Clomid is what does the trick! All positive thoughts today!

F is for Failure

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First let’s get this out of the way, Clomid month 2 was not a success. I ovulated on day 23. Who does that? I typically only have a 24 day cycle. This stupid drug might not have given me mood swings or head aches but it has definitely fucked with my cycle. I don’t even know what to expect at this point, so next month I will just expect nothing. Even with ovulating so late, my period came a week after ovulation. Is that even enough time to implant? Is this ever going to work? I have done better this month at not having a breakdown over the failure. But I think that’s because I have been too busy to throw the 29 year old temper tantrum that I would normally throw.

What has kept me so busy you may ask?

1) Jury Duty for an entire week on an attempted first degree murder / assault with a deadly weapon trial. THRILLING. In all actuality, it was boring as all hell. Nothing like Law & Order. The bastard was guilty.

2) We moved into our new home (rental) over the weekend! So much moving, unpacking, decorating & shopping has happened in the past week my brain (and bank account) is in pain. Things are finally settled though. We were couchless for a week due to a back order issue, but today our couch arrived. And it’s starting to feel like a home around here!

3) The Flu. And by the flu I mean the most raunchy, horrible, cold sweat, puking every 45 minutes, wanting to die, longest two days of my life. It hit me out of no where Monday night and I didn’t leave the bed for 24+ hours. It was not pretty. My stomach muscles hurt from heaving into my toilet so much. I couldn’t even keep water down. I thought I was dying. No lie.

4) Work. Being out for a week for jury duty and then a day on my death bed means I am INCREDIBLY behind at work. I still haven’t caught up on all my e-mails. I guess that means I am important?

So on top of all of this I decided today to get homesick for Cleveland. It is the most awful, ache in the pit of your stomach, type of sadness when you miss your home. I would give my left leg (maybe even my left ovary) if we could just move home.

I need a drink.

My Body is Loco

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I do not understand what is going on with my body.

Last month my period lasted one day. Not even a full 24 hours. I took about 500 negative pregnancy tests. Started Clomid round 2… I am on cd20 and still no positive opk. I use digital opks and I test twice a day, I have never not gotten a positive in the 14 cycles we’ve been trying. Typically I only have 24 days cycles and o on cd11-12 but Clomid messed that up and last month I o on cd19. So, naturally I expected a positive opk yesterday…. I just want to know what is going on with my body. I am going nuts. NUTS I TELL YOU.

E is convinced I am pregnant and wants me to test again tomorrow. I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone had a similar experience?

IF I was pregnant, I took 5 days of clomid… wtf will that do to my baby?

Fuck. Why can’t I just be fertile like the rest of the damn women in my family?

 

PS Happy St. Patty’s Day!!! I am Irish and didn’t partake in any of the usual traditions. Instead I spent the day at jury duty. Woot. Woot.

New Home & Baby Brain

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E and I are moving in 27 days. We found an adorable 3 bedroom home to rent and are upgrading from this tiny little one bedroom. When I moved into this apartment, it was just me and my dog, Sawyer. E and I were dating, and we were serious but he was having cold feet about living together. On my moving day he looks at me and says “I guess I am moving in with you.” REALLY?! PUNK! lol Had I planned for that, I wouldn’t have found a TINY (by tiny I mean like 600 sqft) apartment. 2 weeks later we were engaged. A month after that we were married. Funny how everything happens. Looking back on our last year in this apartment that we made a home is crazy. We added a kitten to our family, Spencer. We have completely filled every corner of this apartment with furniture and decor. We have made so many memories here, it’s our first home together. It will be bittersweet leaving. But I am so excited to be moving into a house! I look at this new house with bright eyes and so much hope. I see opportunity and growth. I can picture us bringing home our first child to this home. I pray so hard about this… That we will welcome a baby to this world within the next year or so. Every single thought in my head turns to baby and pregnancy. I see a house and I think of a nursery and walking like a zombie through the home to nurse my baby at 4 am. It’s a sickness! I have permanent baby brain.

I am currently 9dpo. Well technically I am 9 days passed my positive opk. So 7-9 ish dpo. Probably WAY too early to test. But I did anyway, BFN. The is nothing in this entire world I despise more than seeing that sad little lonely pink line. The day I see double lines I will probably lose my damn mind with excitement.

Sending Prayers

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So much bad news on my timeline this morning. While it is comforting to know I am not alone in this journey, I HATE that I am not alone because it means so many amazing, inspiring women are in pain. Everyone has their own path and God has plans for all of us, but I am praying so hard for my fellow ttc-ers  that they do not lose hope and that God’s plan brings them a happy & healthy baby.

I often see women who have been trying for years on end and I can’t help but wonder if that will be me. Will I be in this same spot a year from now? 5 years from now? Will this disease win? Will E & I end up adopting? What is our path?!! I run through scenario after scenario over and over and over. The uncertainty kills me and keeps me awake at night.

I am 1-2 ish days past ovulation and have had the most annoying pain in my left ovary. I am hoping that’s a good sign. But I honestly don’t know at all. I try to read up on all the symptoms along the way, ovulation, conception, implantation but there is no cut and dry answer and my ovaries hate me so I am always in pain as is. Oh add in that my pms symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms and I am pretty sure I will never actually believe I am pregnant until I am holding a baby. 

Anyway, praying for all you strong ladies out there!!!

The Big O

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The big O… Ovulation. Sorry for those of you who thought otherwise. Silly you, this is an infertility blog! 

I knew that Clomid would push back my ovulation date. I typically ovulate on cd11. Well I am at cd18 and still nothing according to my opks. I thought I was ovulating Sunday night though. I woke up from a dead sleep to EXCRUCIATING pain. I have survived endometriosis for years, including 2 laps now and several ruptured cysts. You’d think by now the pain wouldn’t get to me. But this was horrid. I felt like someone was stabbing me over and over. It hurt directly in the center of my very lower abdomen down to my butt. I could barely stand up straight, the fetal position was my only option. After one and a half hours, a hot bath, Aleve and a heating pad, the pain finally started to subside and left me with a horrible pressure and heaviness. I’m still feeling the same pressure and heaviness. In the midst of my sobbing melt down I did an opk. Negative. So now I am left wondering if those silly things even work on Clomid. Nothing online has given me a conclusive answer. I did call my doctor first thing Monday and he didn’t seem too worried. Which was reassuring, but at the same time I want answers! 

Has anyone had a similar experience on Clomid? When did you ovulate? How did you know? HELP!

Praying for Patience

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I had my follicle ultrasound on Thursday! The doctor said I had 3 very good follicles all around the same size on my left ovary. I had one smaller one on my right (That was the ovary with the most endo during my lap). He seemed pretty positive about our chances of getting pregnant this month. I am secretly praying for the possibility of twins, E is too. We would LOVE that! Doc said if I do not get pregnant this month, he will up my dosage of Clomid next month. Fingers crossed that we won’t even need to do that and this is my lucky month. 12 times a charm?! Now if I could just figure out when I ovulate! Clomid had pushed my cycle back 4 days already. So I have been peeing on OPKs like crazy and having sex everyday / every other day (side note: planning sex is really damn frustrating and annoying to me). 

E & I have a good feeling about 2014 being OUR year. Things are really looking up for E’s career. He is finally getting passed the assholes in his chain of command and getting things accomplished and the recognition he deserves. He put in paperwork to go to RASP this week. It’s a 2 month Ranger selection process that, when passed and selected, will get him into the 75th Ranger Regiment. Which is kind of a huge deal, it’s a Special Operations job. I have been praying so hard for him, this is all he’s wanted since enlisting and he deserves it more than anyone I know. The past year has been so frustrating for him (and me) with his career. He has constantly been under the leadership of people who do not encourage him or lead him. He has been in 4 years and is the most decorated and experienced E4 in his company (more than his NCOs actually), yet still hasn’t been to the board. No matter what he does or how hard he tries it just seems to be one road block after another. It is so disheartening to watch him go through this and be powerless. But he was given a glimmer of hope this week and we will find out Monday if he will go to RASP or not.

I selfishly had a melt down when he told me he had a chance to go to RASP. The first thing I thought was “What about trying to get pregnant?!” I wanted to scream. I was at work and had to go to the bathroom to calm down. I know I can’t be mad about it, because he deserves it, but I am sad that if I am not pregnant by the time he goes, that means a guaranteed 2 months we will have to put this on hold. Then he will go through Ranger school, which is even longer. I can’t help but feel sad for me and my dreams being put on hold. But I’ve learned to accept God’s timing and have faith that it all will happen when He feels is right. Or so that’s what I have been telling myself. Needless to say, I’ve been praying for patience a lot lately.