E and I are moving in 27 days. We found an adorable 3 bedroom home to rent and are upgrading from this tiny little one bedroom. When I moved into this apartment, it was just me and my dog, Sawyer. E and I were dating, and we were serious but he was having cold feet about living together. On my moving day he looks at me and says “I guess I am moving in with you.” REALLY?! PUNK! lol Had I planned for that, I wouldn’t have found a TINY (by tiny I mean like 600 sqft) apartment. 2 weeks later we were engaged. A month after that we were married. Funny how everything happens. Looking back on our last year in this apartment that we made a home is crazy. We added a kitten to our family, Spencer. We have completely filled every corner of this apartment with furniture and decor. We have made so many memories here, it’s our first home together. It will be bittersweet leaving. But I am so excited to be moving into a house! I look at this new house with bright eyes and so much hope. I see opportunity and growth. I can picture us bringing home our first child to this home. I pray so hard about this… That we will welcome a baby to this world within the next year or so. Every single thought in my head turns to baby and pregnancy. I see a house and I think of a nursery and walking like a zombie through the home to nurse my baby at 4 am. It’s a sickness! I have permanent baby brain.
I am currently 9dpo. Well technically I am 9 days passed my positive opk. So 7-9 ish dpo. Probably WAY too early to test. But I did anyway, BFN. The is nothing in this entire world I despise more than seeing that sad little lonely pink line. The day I see double lines I will probably lose my damn mind with excitement.
So much bad news on my timeline this morning. While it is comforting to know I am not alone in this journey, I HATE that I am not alone because it means so many amazing, inspiring women are in pain. Everyone has their own path and God has plans for all of us, but I am praying so hard for my fellow ttc-ers that they do not lose hope and that God’s plan brings them a happy & healthy baby.
I often see women who have been trying for years on end and I can’t help but wonder if that will be me. Will I be in this same spot a year from now? 5 years from now? Will this disease win? Will E & I end up adopting? What is our path?!! I run through scenario after scenario over and over and over. The uncertainty kills me and keeps me awake at night.
I am 1-2 ish days past ovulation and have had the most annoying pain in my left ovary. I am hoping that’s a good sign. But I honestly don’t know at all. I try to read up on all the symptoms along the way, ovulation, conception, implantation but there is no cut and dry answer and my ovaries hate me so I am always in pain as is. Oh add in that my pms symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms and I am pretty sure I will never actually believe I am pregnant until I am holding a baby.
Anyway, praying for all you strong ladies out there!!!
I had my follicle ultrasound on Thursday! The doctor said I had 3 very good follicles all around the same size on my left ovary. I had one smaller one on my right (That was the ovary with the most endo during my lap). He seemed pretty positive about our chances of getting pregnant this month. I am secretly praying for the possibility of twins, E is too. We would LOVE that! Doc said if I do not get pregnant this month, he will up my dosage of Clomid next month. Fingers crossed that we won’t even need to do that and this is my lucky month. 12 times a charm?! Now if I could just figure out when I ovulate! Clomid had pushed my cycle back 4 days already. So I have been peeing on OPKs like crazy and having sex everyday / every other day (side note: planning sex is really damn frustrating and annoying to me).
E & I have a good feeling about 2014 being OUR year. Things are really looking up for E’s career. He is finally getting passed the assholes in his chain of command and getting things accomplished and the recognition he deserves. He put in paperwork to go to RASP this week. It’s a 2 month Ranger selection process that, when passed and selected, will get him into the 75th Ranger Regiment. Which is kind of a huge deal, it’s a Special Operations job. I have been praying so hard for him, this is all he’s wanted since enlisting and he deserves it more than anyone I know. The past year has been so frustrating for him (and me) with his career. He has constantly been under the leadership of people who do not encourage him or lead him. He has been in 4 years and is the most decorated and experienced E4 in his company (more than his NCOs actually), yet still hasn’t been to the board. No matter what he does or how hard he tries it just seems to be one road block after another. It is so disheartening to watch him go through this and be powerless. But he was given a glimmer of hope this week and we will find out Monday if he will go to RASP or not.
I selfishly had a melt down when he told me he had a chance to go to RASP. The first thing I thought was “What about trying to get pregnant?!” I wanted to scream. I was at work and had to go to the bathroom to calm down. I know I can’t be mad about it, because he deserves it, but I am sad that if I am not pregnant by the time he goes, that means a guaranteed 2 months we will have to put this on hold. Then he will go through Ranger school, which is even longer. I can’t help but feel sad for me and my dreams being put on hold. But I’ve learned to accept God’s timing and have faith that it all will happen when He feels is right. Or so that’s what I have been telling myself. Needless to say, I’ve been praying for patience a lot lately.