I try really hard to be positive, but today I just can’t find that place of positivity. And I need to vent. Prepare yourselves for some serious rambling. And if you make it through this post (or just skim through it) can you leave me some positive words and say some prayers because my heart is heavy tonight….
So as I have said before, I am from Cleveland, Ohio. We trudge through 2′ of snow in negative degree wind chills and don’t flinch. So when NC declares a state of emergency over 2″ of snow, mostly it makes me laugh. And when my work closes over this, it makes me giddy like a school kid having a snow day back home. BUT when my doctor closes, without any notice or phone call to me, the day I have my post-op appointment, it pisses me off to no end. E and I drove across town (mind you the roads are pretty much dry and snow/ice free) for my appointment today only to be met by locked doors. I immediately started crying. Yes I am overly emotional but this journey has been so stressful and complicated and frustrating that everything makes me cry. I called my doctor yesterday to check on the status of their office and was told by the receptionist that if they were to close, I would get a phone call. Nope, didn’t happen. And I figured if they called I would ask to speak to the nurse or my doctor to see if he could call me in an RX of Clomid. See, I am CD4 today and it’s my first cycle post op so my next step is Clomid, and you typically have to start Clomid on CD5. So, needless to say, I am calling them first thing in the AM and praying the doctor agrees to call in the RX tomorrow so I can start it tomorrow.
So after the appt. E is initially kind, he holds my hand in the truck and tells me everything will be okay, they’ll call it in and it’ll be fine. But it doesn’t help. Then he gets frustrated with my frustration and starts an argument in the grocery store parking lot. JUST WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.
Come home, all I want is a bubble bath to soak my sorrows and zone out to some T.Swift. Hot water lasts all of 5 minutes. Cue more tears. Only now I am wet and cold. And this brings me to my next frustration with living in the south. They are so completely unprepared for cold weather that the hot water tanks and heaters are actually rated different than the ones back home (according to my landlord, I haven’t actually verified this). So not only does my water heater not warm water as quickly, but my heater pulls in cold air from outside and cannot heat it, so it pumps cold air into my apartment continuously. We have purchased a space heater but that’s besides the point! I am angry, cold and hormonal.
There’s more, bear with me.
I bundle up and plop on the couch and am instantly greeted by my adorable and snuggly cat. He curls up right on my chest as if he knows I am upset and that I need his love right now. This instantly snaps me back to the day I found out I have endometriosis. I was working the night shift at the hospital and had a doctor appt. before my shift. I was in a bad place in my life in general and every single doctor appt had me on pins and needles. I was so sick of being poked and prodded and just wanted answers. I just prayed that the answer wasn’t endo. But it was. I called off work, drove straight home and collapsed in the corner of my bedroom in the dark sobbing. I have two aunts with endo and one was never able to conceive. I had done my research on the disease and I knew a diagnosis meant a lot of uncertainty, pain, drugs and the possibility of infertility. I was inconsolable but my two cats instantly ran to me and didn’t leave my lap for the entire night. In that moment, they saved me. I had no one. I was in a loveless relationship, fighting with my best friend and my parents were going through an ugly divorce. It’s crazy how in tune to our emotions our pets are.
Anyway, I just want this to be over. I want a cure. I want a fucking miracle.