This photo, along with a devotional, came to me, mid anxiety attack, the night before my surgery. I needed to hear/see this. While all of this pain and suffering has been brought into my life, I will always continue to hold onto hope. And now, a day after my surgery, I feel that hope more than ever.

Surgery went great. My God sent doctor removed cysts on my ovaries, endo and scar tissue inside my pelvic area and cleaned out my Fallopian tubes. This is such good news, little baby G will be here before we know it. As much as I dreaded this surgery I knew that the outcome would be worth it.

Also the nurses were SO INCREDIBLY nice. They took such good care of me and made sure I was not in pain while in recovery. They let me doze on and off and didn’t rush me out at all (the nurses at my previous surgery were evil). E was by my side the entire time and since getting home has basically been waiting on me hand and foot. I am so blessed.

Today the pain is a little worse, but it’s manageable with the Tylenol codeine they sent me home with. I’m extremely bloated and the gas that they pump you with is slowly and painfully escaping one way or another. The gas is actually the worst part in my opinion. It get trapped in your cheat and shoulders and is horribly painful.

I have the next 11 days to recover and get back to myself.

Que the Netflix!

Well, This Sucks.

ImageI am sick of talking about fertility. I am sick of thinking about trying to get pregnant. I am EXHAUSTED.

No one realizes what this does to you, trying to conceive for 11 months, battling a disease that most people don’t understand… it tears you apart. Throw in the occasional “I’ll have your baby for you!!” comment and it can ruin an entire night. People don’t get it and I keep telling myself this every day, but it doesn’t help. I want someone, other than a stranger on the computer, to get it. I want a friend who actually understands. Not that I would EVER wish this life upon anyone, but I just want that support, that bond. It’s sad, and I am mad at myself for letting it happen, but going through this has actually put a wedge in most of my friendships. Maybe that makes me cold, that I don’t reply to the pictures of your growing baby bump or “like” your status’ on Facebook anymore but it is what it is. I have put up a wall.

In fact, looking back on my life, this is what I always do. I block people out of my life to protect my heart. When my parents divorced, I was a week shy of 21. (Happy Birthday!) As an instant response to this Earth shattering event, I stopped going to classes, I started partying A LOT, I tried to find comfort in the arms of any guy that gave me attention (and then quickly kicked him to the curb when he attempted to get too close), I fought daily with my best friend and ended up pushing her out of my life for a year or two. I chased after anything that that was temporary and rejected the idea of any kind of permanence in my life. Because if my parents, after 25 years of marriage and 4 children, couldn’t last than surely, nothing could. I refused to get attached to anyone or anything and I lived my life like that for years. I broke hearts and lost friends all because of this wall, this divide I NEEDED to create. And here I am doing the same thing again.

According to my Mom, I’ve always been a runner. And according to my Dad, I left a string of broken hearts across NE Ohio. In fact, E is the only thing that has made me stand still. He has grounded me. So of course I am thankful for that. I have him, and he IS going through this with me. He sees my pain and my struggles. But I still don’t think he gets it completely.

I am completely rambling today. I have a lot on my mind and T Minus 4 sleeps until my surgery. I’m scared, overwhelmed and ready for this to be over. I don’t know how people ttc for years on end. I suppose I would, if I had to (but Dear God, I pray I don’t have to), but I am over it. This sucks.


Surgery #2

Image3 years ago I promised myself I would never undergo another laproscopic procedure. I was bruised, bloated, miserable and certain I wouldn’t survive another day. Drugs did nothing. I cried every time I had to sit up, walk to get something or go to the bathroom. In fact going to the bathroom proved to be next to impossible after having endometriosis removed from my rectum and bladder. I would clench a towel in my hands while I bit down on another towel. Just to pee. 3 days after my surgery, I wound up in the ER with a 104 degree fever and a bladder infection. 2 weeks after my surgery, I returned to work. 9 weeks after my surgery, I finally felt normal again and pain free.

Thinking back on January 2011 brings tears to my eyes. But what makes me actually cry, is the fact that yesterday I scheduled my second laproscopic procedure to remove endometriosis. All in the hopes that after this surgery, my ovaries and tubes will be clear and I’ll finally be able to conceive. But nothing is 100%. I am scared to death.

That being said, I am so blessed that E will be by my side the entire time. By some miracle of God, he is able to get out of work and a very intense training for about a week to take care of me. I have 3 girl friends taking a day off to spend it with me while I recover. I have family that is trying to arrange schedules to be here.

So here goes nothing. January 15th I will kick endometriosis’ ass once again. Baby G will be here before we know it. I have faith that everything will happen in God’s timing.