The TTC life

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Things that happen when you have problems ttc

1) You become an expert toilet paper / underwear examiner

2) You learn the very literal ups and downs of your cervix

3) Google becomes your doctor

4) You rely on advice from others ttc more than your actual obgyn/re

5) You learn a million new acronyms: ttc, bd, dh, re, dpo, ewcm, o, us, bfp, bfn, af, bbt, cd, cf, cm, dtd, hpt, hcg, opk, poas…

6) You distance yourself from your pregnant friends / friends that are mothers

7) You spend more time talking to complete strangers than your own family and friends

8) You try every drug, vitamin, position, lubricant, supplement, food, drink ever suggested to you for at least one cycle

9) You become one of two types of people: POAS-aholic or never poas because of months of bfn (I am the latter)

10) You have baby / pregnant lady radar

11) You know what each type of cm/cf means and have stretched it between your fingers

12) You search for faint lines on all hpts and post pictures hoping someone will see SOMETHING

13) You have mistaken an indent for a bfp

 

How has ttc changed your life?

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I called in sick from work today. I do not plan to check my e-mail or even think about the amount of work I will return to. I just needed the day off. I am on cd2. And feeling groggy, confused, helpless and disappointed mentally. Physically, I have been cramping so horribly since Saturday night (Thanks Endo!) and I have a headache that won’t quit. My period came late Saturday and I sobbed like a child. I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms. I woke up crying. And I cried on and off all day yesterday. Chances are I will cry again today.

I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I had perfect uterine lining, 5 plump follicles, perfect progesterone levels and had sex 4 times during my fertile period and STILL did not get pregnant. I honestly believed after my surgery in January to remove endo that I would be pregnant within 3 months. I start month 5 (Or is it 6? I don’t remember) of drugs tomorrow. Round 2 of Femara. I am really questioning God right now. Which hasn’t happened since starting on this journey last March. I am angry and I want to know why God has dealt us this hand. I am finding it increasingly harder to handle pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, births, and people in general. Typically I have my one day of sadness and then I put my big girl panties on and find the ray of light, the bright side. Not now. I am stuck in this place of anger and sadness and I don’t know how to get out anymore.

FIVE

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5. Five.

That is the number of perfectly sized follicles I had this cycle. Femara is amazing. I had zero side effects and more follicles than on Clomid. I didn’t use opks again this cycle, but I started temping. I’m not very good at reading this damn chart though. Maybe someone can help me decipher it. See above ^^^

My doctor was so positive about this cycle that he went ahead and scheduled a pregnancy test for next Tuesday. He has NEVER done that. I swear if I can’t get pregnant with 5 follicles and bd 4 times in my fertile window, I am DOOMED. Doomed I tell you.

 

 

Waiting

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I started spotting on Tuesday night. It continued through yesterday. The entire time I thought it was implantation. My period wasn’t due for a week. There is no way I’d have a 20 day cycle. No way. I KNOW my body… it may be crazy but I have never had a 20 day cycle. All month I told myself this was the month. I have said that before, but something felt different this month. I had a progesterone draw Wednesday and spoke with my doctor who reassured me my scan last week was perfect and it was very unlikely my period was starting. I waited impatiently for my progesterone results. Checking my patient portal at work every 20 minutes. Stressing. Praying the number was high, please be over 7 I said over and over and over. I prayed. I pleaded. I planned. Two days later I got my results. 2.3…. two point three. My heart broke, like it does every single month. But this time it hurt worse. I shut my office door and cried. I confided in E and my friends who knew I was waiting on these results. The doctor prescribed me Femara to start on my third cd, which we both agreed was probably that day. So what does 2.3 mean? While technically this is in the normal range, it’s likely I did not ovulate at all. The Clomid wasn’t working. I was creating beautiful follicles but not ovulating apparently. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can move on from Clomid, try a cycle on Femara and now I am one step closer. We have more answers. One less thing I have to question.

One of my friends sent me the image above yesterday. She always knows just what to say. I am so blessed to have understanding and supportive people in my life. People who’s beliefs align with mine and always remind me that God’s timing is perfect. He will fulfill the desires of my heart. He just will. I know that. I have never questioned that, although I do have my “Why me?” screaming moments every month, I have never questioned God. My faith is unwavering and I cannot wait to see what plans He has for my life. I will continue to fight this and search for the answers God (and my doctors) will provide. My strength to carry on every month and wipe my tears comes from that faith.

My Very first Baby Purchase

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I have a confession.

After 15 months of ttc, I purchased my very first baby item. Cleveland Browns booties. I couldn’t help myself, they were only $10 on Groupon! I was born & raised in Cleveland, being a Browns fan is not even an option for my future off spring. They need to experience the heartache that I have my entire life. Poor things. Maybe in their lifetime we will go to a Superbowl! A girl can dream right?

But really, I think that is quite an accomplishment that in over a year I have had enough self control to not buy baby stuff. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Trust me, every time I go to Target I make a trip through the baby aisles while I cry a little inside. Clearly, I’m really into self torture.

Follicle scan update: 3 very plump follicles and a thick lining! I go in Wednesday to get my progesterone tested to make sure I ovulated. This was the first month, aside from my surgery month, that I did not use OPKs. It was so liberating!!! Not having to stress about when I am ovulating and just trusting my body. I am praying so hard that the decrease in stress and the increase in Clomid is what does the trick! All positive thoughts today!

Drained

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Man, this week has been rough. The higher dosage of Clomid has all but killed me. I had a massive headache the first 4 days and after taking my last dose I was a mess. I was shaking, light headed, nauseous, and that headache had gotten worse. I had to have E come pick me up from work on Thursday, I could barely function. I slept pretty much all day… or tried to at least. Friday at work everyone started asking me WHY I was so sick. If I hear “Are you pregnant?” one more time I am going to cunt punt someone. And if one more idiot man asks me “Are you on drugs?” I am going to have a full blown fertility drug melt down on his ass. No, I am not pregannt & yes I am on drugs… but not the fun kind! 

Also, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so exhausted all of the time, emotionally and physically. I am sick of people commenting on the dark circles under my eyes or the constant yawning. No, I don’t need to get more sleep… I get plenty, 9+ hours a night. Endo has just sucked the life out of me. I feel like I am constantly waging a war against my body. I have no control over my body or my emotions and I am sick of it.

So in other news, I have my follicle scan Monday afternoon. I am praying for healthy plump follicles! After this round of Clomid, I cannot take another. This needs to be the month. It just has to be.

 

Random Ramblings

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I survived a week with my in-laws!!! In all reality, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I think they have grown to like me since E and I got married. Their fears have been calmed and his Mom was much less judgmental. We actually… dare I say it… had fun. Success.

Well I start round 4 of Clomid tonight. 150mg this time. If this month isn’t a success, I am going to request to go straight to Femara. I cannot handle this Clomid anger anymore. On top of that I think my endo is getting worse. Which we knew was a possibility, but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly. 

I had a dream last night that I had a one month old named Ricky. Just FYI that name would never happen. Anyway, he died. I can’t even have a baby in my dreams! Life is unfair sometimes. And struggling with infertility has made me bipolar. I am fine one minute all zen and praying and trusting in God, the next I am crying and screaming (literally) and cursing my fucked up body. Basket case. Total basket case.

So I am completely rambling right now. I do that a lot don’t I? 

Prisoner of Hope

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It’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote… I guess I’ve been slacking. The truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot lately… TTC is exhausting and it’s wearing me out. Clomid isn’t working. In fact, all it’s doing is screwing up my cycles and giving me anger issues. I’ve been snapping at everyone, over the littlest things. My temper has always been short but this is just ugly. My faith is being tested for sure right now… I have been feeling hopeless.

But then I met C. One of my very best friends has talked about her as long as I’ve known her. I felt like I already knew her when I met her last night. I don’t know her whole story, but this is what I do know… she was struggling with ttc for a while. She tried IUI, got pregnant and that ended in a miscarriage. But she and her husband tried again and now, she’s like 7 months pregnant. And healthy. And happy. We didn’t even talk about her IUI attempts or how long she had been ttc. But just seeing her adorable baby bump and her pregnancy glow last night was the hope I needed. This is NOT impossible. I WILL be a mother someday… an amazing mother. That day will come, I am 100% sure of it. These struggles will be worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms.

I had a follow up this week with my doctor. He is concerned that the Clomid isn’t working right. My LP was only a week long last month, which is not normal. If this month doesn’t work, he has me starting Clomid at CD3 instead of CD5 and at a higher dosage. I will then have another follicle US and possibly a trigger shot. We discussed other options, maybe trying Femara or injectibles. But that is further down the road. E came with me and was full of questions. Having him here for me and knowing that he is just as invested in this as me, is such a comfort. I am so blessed. He really is amazing. The doctor looked us both in the eyes and said “I will get you pregnant. This isn’t impossible. It’s just a matter of how.” I needed to hear that, so bad.

In other news, E’s parents are coming into town from Southern California this week. They get in Friday and are staying for a week. I wish I could say I am excited. But his Mom is a passive aggressive bitch. Pray for me. lol

Since it’s Sunday I feel it is only appropriate to talk about what I am thankful for today…

Kitty snuggles before bedtime
Footloose … currently watching, I’m obsessed
Pinterest
Being completely settled into our new home
The fact that I work full time and won’t have to spend every day all day with my in-laws next week
Pink Sands Yankee Candle
Living in the South, where it’s 80 degrees in April

F is for Failure

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First let’s get this out of the way, Clomid month 2 was not a success. I ovulated on day 23. Who does that? I typically only have a 24 day cycle. This stupid drug might not have given me mood swings or head aches but it has definitely fucked with my cycle. I don’t even know what to expect at this point, so next month I will just expect nothing. Even with ovulating so late, my period came a week after ovulation. Is that even enough time to implant? Is this ever going to work? I have done better this month at not having a breakdown over the failure. But I think that’s because I have been too busy to throw the 29 year old temper tantrum that I would normally throw.

What has kept me so busy you may ask?

1) Jury Duty for an entire week on an attempted first degree murder / assault with a deadly weapon trial. THRILLING. In all actuality, it was boring as all hell. Nothing like Law & Order. The bastard was guilty.

2) We moved into our new home (rental) over the weekend! So much moving, unpacking, decorating & shopping has happened in the past week my brain (and bank account) is in pain. Things are finally settled though. We were couchless for a week due to a back order issue, but today our couch arrived. And it’s starting to feel like a home around here!

3) The Flu. And by the flu I mean the most raunchy, horrible, cold sweat, puking every 45 minutes, wanting to die, longest two days of my life. It hit me out of no where Monday night and I didn’t leave the bed for 24+ hours. It was not pretty. My stomach muscles hurt from heaving into my toilet so much. I couldn’t even keep water down. I thought I was dying. No lie.

4) Work. Being out for a week for jury duty and then a day on my death bed means I am INCREDIBLY behind at work. I still haven’t caught up on all my e-mails. I guess that means I am important?

So on top of all of this I decided today to get homesick for Cleveland. It is the most awful, ache in the pit of your stomach, type of sadness when you miss your home. I would give my left leg (maybe even my left ovary) if we could just move home.

I need a drink.

My Body is Loco

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I do not understand what is going on with my body.

Last month my period lasted one day. Not even a full 24 hours. I took about 500 negative pregnancy tests. Started Clomid round 2… I am on cd20 and still no positive opk. I use digital opks and I test twice a day, I have never not gotten a positive in the 14 cycles we’ve been trying. Typically I only have 24 days cycles and o on cd11-12 but Clomid messed that up and last month I o on cd19. So, naturally I expected a positive opk yesterday…. I just want to know what is going on with my body. I am going nuts. NUTS I TELL YOU.

E is convinced I am pregnant and wants me to test again tomorrow. I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone had a similar experience?

IF I was pregnant, I took 5 days of clomid… wtf will that do to my baby?

Fuck. Why can’t I just be fertile like the rest of the damn women in my family?

 

PS Happy St. Patty’s Day!!! I am Irish and didn’t partake in any of the usual traditions. Instead I spent the day at jury duty. Woot. Woot.