The Never Ending Cycle

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AF came Saturday. Month 10 was not our month. I really thought that double digits would bring us good luck. I have some weird reason why every month is going to be our month. But then AF comes, and the heartbreak sinks in again. I remember reading a blog once about the monthly cycle of a woman ttc. For those of you who haven’t experienced this this is how my month goes…

Cycle day 1: Heartbreak. The realization that another month has come and gone and my body still hasn’t done what it is supposed to do. Everything I’ve read and tried hasn’t worked. The prayers haven’t done anything. I usually find myself crying on this day. Anything can spark it, seeing a pregnant lady at Target, or a commercial with the perfect “family.” Any little reminder. Sometimes, I don’t even need that. Sometimes I just cry because the heartbreak is literally physically painful.

Cycle day 2-4: I am pretty numb. I cope. And then by the end of AF I have a plan of attack for next month. I start to find hope again. I read scripture and find myself praying more. I talk it out with E. We are on the same page & ready to make this month our month!

Cycle day 5-9: We try not to have sex too often, but let’s face it we both love sex. I am peeing on OPKs daily waiting for that +yes to show up. I am SO SURE this is our month now. I just know it. We make sure to have sex a day or two before my expected ovulation.

Cycle day 10-11: OPK gives me a +yes! Sometimes I tell E, sometimes I don’t. We have sex. We use Pre Seed. I stick my legs in the air for 20 minutes this month. Whatever it takes. I pray. We pray.

Cycle day 12-14: We have sex a couple more times. I try to keep things interesting. New positions. Lingerie. But the same thing happens. Pre seed. Legs in air. We start talking about baby names. We laugh about how funny we will be as parents. We plan family traditions and talk about the struggles of raising children in the military. We know this is the month.

Cycle day 15-22: Waiting. Dying of waiting. Praying and more praying. I try not to overdo the baby talk during the wait. I don’t want to jinx it. Every little minor ache or pain gives me hope. Maybe it’s implantation! I tell myself this over and over. I might have some spotting. When I do I immediately tell E. He gets so excited assuming it implantation bleeding, he rubs my belly and says we did it. We made a baby. I am constantly examining my body. Are my boobs heavier? Are they sore? Do I see more veins? Am I easily bloated? Are smells stronger than usual? I am in constant sensory overload. My mind never turns off. But every day I wake up and know this is the month!

Cycle day 23: I have minor cramping. My period starts in 2 days. It surely wouldn’t come this early… must be a good sign!

Cycle day 24: One more day (I have a short cycle) and we will possibly have even more belief that this month worked! I cramp here & there but fully believe that is from pregnancy or my endometriosis. Definitely NOT the beginning of AF. Can’t be. I am excited and so hopeful. This month hasn’t been stressful. We know what we’re doing now. We’re eating right. I’m not drinking. I laid off the caffeine. This is the month!

Cycle day 1: Heartbreak.

 

Rinse & Repeat.

 

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