Grow Babies, Grow!

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Just a quick update for everyone… we currently have 6 embabies growing at the clinic! There’s my lucky number again!! ❤  We are over the moon!! Transfer will be tomorrow morning. In the mean time I took the day off work and I am going to get a full body massage at noon. Working on my relaxation for the big day. We am so anxious to get 2 of those babies back where they belong.

Thank you to everyone for all the support and well wishes. This TTC community has changed my life!

love love love,
S

8. Eight. 8.

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I started writing a blog this morning about bitter infertiles I have encountered recently, but I will save that for another day because right now I am too excited to rant about that.

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My egg retrieval was this morning and we got 8 eggs!!!! Last time we got 14 eggs but only 2 fertilized because we opted out of ICSI due to financial reasons (forever kicking my ass for that decision). But this time we are doing ICSI and potentially assisted hatching, so I feel much better about the potential babies. I am so anxious for our embryo transfer on Saturday, we are ready to get those babies back where they belong! Saturday is the perfect day for the transfer, the date is 6/6… and 6 just so happens to be my lucky number! That has to be a sign, right?

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Right now, I am feeling pretty crampy, sleepy and groggy I am just lying around in bed with the fur babies and being waited on by E. I’m going to try and go to work tomorrow, but we will see how I am feeling. In the mean time I will just be day dreaming about my babies!

Send prayers our way for a good fertilization report and a successful transfer!!

love love love,
S

Giving it to God

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How many times during our various struggles do we say “I’m giving it to God!” as we throw our hands up? Hundreds. I have said, typed and thought those words over and over and over the past few years but have I ever really given it to God? Nope. Not once. Not until recently. I have wanted to give it to God but instead I have worried, stressed myself into full blown panic attacks, cried, begged, pleaded, googled myself to death and just plan NOT given it to God. Before I started this IVF cycle I can truly say I have finally let go of the infertility reigns. As a result, this cycle feels so much different. I feel at peace. Things haven’t exactly been smooth this cycle but I am not panicking and I am not crying. I KNOW God has a plan. I know his plan is THE plan and it is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that in time, I will understand why we have gone through this. Everything will reveal itself when God sees fit. And for once I believe that 100%. If this doesn’t work we will seek adoption. My heart has always been open to adoption and if that is God’s plan, then we are both ready to start on that journey. I am not admitting failure yet, I want more than anything for this to work. I just am at peace with any outcome because I know in the end it will be perfect and we will have our family.

I know we are all in different stages of this horrible disease but if you haven’t yet, or you’ve tried and failed… take a deep breath & give it to God. Find the peace in knowing He knows our path and He is walking it with us. He will not abandon us.

love love love,
S

Bloodwork, HSG & IUI. Oh my!

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My RE, myself and my lovely hubs have decided to give IUI 3 tries before diving in to IVF. My previous Dr. felt like IUI wouldn’t work because of the severity of my endo. But it costs $250 with our medical insurance, which is a HELL of a lot cheaper than IVF, so I figure it’s worth a few solid attempts. So, our plan is to schedule my HSG for early next cycle (sometime in the next weekish) and then, pending my tubes are clear, we will start injectibles and then IUI! Dear God, please let this work!

At my appointment last week they took TWELVE vials of blood. My right arm gave out at 11 so they had to take one from my left. My arm hurt for about 3 days afterward and had a pretty bruise. One of the many perks of infertility.

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So, in other news… E is still gone. I haven’t talked to him for about a week now and it’s torture. I am ready for the Army to give him back. He should be back within the next 7-10 days but I really have no idea. Everything is so up in the air. All the time. One of the many perks of being a military wife.

Can we just fast forward 2 weeks?

The TTC life

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Things that happen when you have problems ttc

1) You become an expert toilet paper / underwear examiner

2) You learn the very literal ups and downs of your cervix

3) Google becomes your doctor

4) You rely on advice from others ttc more than your actual obgyn/re

5) You learn a million new acronyms: ttc, bd, dh, re, dpo, ewcm, o, us, bfp, bfn, af, bbt, cd, cf, cm, dtd, hpt, hcg, opk, poas…

6) You distance yourself from your pregnant friends / friends that are mothers

7) You spend more time talking to complete strangers than your own family and friends

8) You try every drug, vitamin, position, lubricant, supplement, food, drink ever suggested to you for at least one cycle

9) You become one of two types of people: POAS-aholic or never poas because of months of bfn (I am the latter)

10) You have baby / pregnant lady radar

11) You know what each type of cm/cf means and have stretched it between your fingers

12) You search for faint lines on all hpts and post pictures hoping someone will see SOMETHING

13) You have mistaken an indent for a bfp

 

How has ttc changed your life?

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I called in sick from work today. I do not plan to check my e-mail or even think about the amount of work I will return to. I just needed the day off. I am on cd2. And feeling groggy, confused, helpless and disappointed mentally. Physically, I have been cramping so horribly since Saturday night (Thanks Endo!) and I have a headache that won’t quit. My period came late Saturday and I sobbed like a child. I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms. I woke up crying. And I cried on and off all day yesterday. Chances are I will cry again today.

I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I had perfect uterine lining, 5 plump follicles, perfect progesterone levels and had sex 4 times during my fertile period and STILL did not get pregnant. I honestly believed after my surgery in January to remove endo that I would be pregnant within 3 months. I start month 5 (Or is it 6? I don’t remember) of drugs tomorrow. Round 2 of Femara. I am really questioning God right now. Which hasn’t happened since starting on this journey last March. I am angry and I want to know why God has dealt us this hand. I am finding it increasingly harder to handle pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, births, and people in general. Typically I have my one day of sadness and then I put my big girl panties on and find the ray of light, the bright side. Not now. I am stuck in this place of anger and sadness and I don’t know how to get out anymore.

FIVE

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5. Five.

That is the number of perfectly sized follicles I had this cycle. Femara is amazing. I had zero side effects and more follicles than on Clomid. I didn’t use opks again this cycle, but I started temping. I’m not very good at reading this damn chart though. Maybe someone can help me decipher it. See above ^^^

My doctor was so positive about this cycle that he went ahead and scheduled a pregnancy test for next Tuesday. He has NEVER done that. I swear if I can’t get pregnant with 5 follicles and bd 4 times in my fertile window, I am DOOMED. Doomed I tell you.

 

 

Waiting

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I started spotting on Tuesday night. It continued through yesterday. The entire time I thought it was implantation. My period wasn’t due for a week. There is no way I’d have a 20 day cycle. No way. I KNOW my body… it may be crazy but I have never had a 20 day cycle. All month I told myself this was the month. I have said that before, but something felt different this month. I had a progesterone draw Wednesday and spoke with my doctor who reassured me my scan last week was perfect and it was very unlikely my period was starting. I waited impatiently for my progesterone results. Checking my patient portal at work every 20 minutes. Stressing. Praying the number was high, please be over 7 I said over and over and over. I prayed. I pleaded. I planned. Two days later I got my results. 2.3…. two point three. My heart broke, like it does every single month. But this time it hurt worse. I shut my office door and cried. I confided in E and my friends who knew I was waiting on these results. The doctor prescribed me Femara to start on my third cd, which we both agreed was probably that day. So what does 2.3 mean? While technically this is in the normal range, it’s likely I did not ovulate at all. The Clomid wasn’t working. I was creating beautiful follicles but not ovulating apparently. 

I guess the silver lining is that I can move on from Clomid, try a cycle on Femara and now I am one step closer. We have more answers. One less thing I have to question.

One of my friends sent me the image above yesterday. She always knows just what to say. I am so blessed to have understanding and supportive people in my life. People who’s beliefs align with mine and always remind me that God’s timing is perfect. He will fulfill the desires of my heart. He just will. I know that. I have never questioned that, although I do have my “Why me?” screaming moments every month, I have never questioned God. My faith is unwavering and I cannot wait to see what plans He has for my life. I will continue to fight this and search for the answers God (and my doctors) will provide. My strength to carry on every month and wipe my tears comes from that faith.

My Very first Baby Purchase

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I have a confession.

After 15 months of ttc, I purchased my very first baby item. Cleveland Browns booties. I couldn’t help myself, they were only $10 on Groupon! I was born & raised in Cleveland, being a Browns fan is not even an option for my future off spring. They need to experience the heartache that I have my entire life. Poor things. Maybe in their lifetime we will go to a Superbowl! A girl can dream right?

But really, I think that is quite an accomplishment that in over a year I have had enough self control to not buy baby stuff. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Trust me, every time I go to Target I make a trip through the baby aisles while I cry a little inside. Clearly, I’m really into self torture.

Follicle scan update: 3 very plump follicles and a thick lining! I go in Wednesday to get my progesterone tested to make sure I ovulated. This was the first month, aside from my surgery month, that I did not use OPKs. It was so liberating!!! Not having to stress about when I am ovulating and just trusting my body. I am praying so hard that the decrease in stress and the increase in Clomid is what does the trick! All positive thoughts today!

Drained

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Man, this week has been rough. The higher dosage of Clomid has all but killed me. I had a massive headache the first 4 days and after taking my last dose I was a mess. I was shaking, light headed, nauseous, and that headache had gotten worse. I had to have E come pick me up from work on Thursday, I could barely function. I slept pretty much all day… or tried to at least. Friday at work everyone started asking me WHY I was so sick. If I hear “Are you pregnant?” one more time I am going to cunt punt someone. And if one more idiot man asks me “Are you on drugs?” I am going to have a full blown fertility drug melt down on his ass. No, I am not pregannt & yes I am on drugs… but not the fun kind! 

Also, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so exhausted all of the time, emotionally and physically. I am sick of people commenting on the dark circles under my eyes or the constant yawning. No, I don’t need to get more sleep… I get plenty, 9+ hours a night. Endo has just sucked the life out of me. I feel like I am constantly waging a war against my body. I have no control over my body or my emotions and I am sick of it.

So in other news, I have my follicle scan Monday afternoon. I am praying for healthy plump follicles! After this round of Clomid, I cannot take another. This needs to be the month. It just has to be.