It never leaves you. The fear, the worry, the stress. It’s still there, bubbling just beneath the surface waiting to rear it’s ugly head. This is what infertility does. Pregnancy won’t be this worry free, blissful experience and I always knew that would be the case. But I never realized the real impact it would have. I am in a constant state of disbelief that this actually worked. There is actually a baby growing inside me. It is completely unreal. And I am in a constant state of fear and worry. Every second of every damn day. In fact, today I am not even sure there is a baby in there at all. Maybe it’s all a dream & I will wake up any second covered in blood.
And I don’t know where I belong anymore. Do I still belong to the infertile community or do I move over the the pregnant and fertile community? I feel like I don’t belong to either group. I am in limbo and I don’t know how to handle that. I made my home here with women facing the same struggles, but now I am worried you will all resent me. Do you feel anger that I am pregnant? Because every once in a while, I feel guilt. As I type those words, I realize how insane that sounds. But that is where I’m at today… Fear, disbelief and guilt…
Faith in Infertility 
First… Congrats on the pregnancy. Your feelings mirror a lot of what I felt. I spent my entire pregnancy worried something would go wrong. Unfortunately, the innocence of pregnancy is stolen from those of us who experienced trouble getting pregnant and/or miscarriage. I feel that in order to mentally persevere through IVF or infertility treatments, you have to harden your heart and once you find success with pregnancy, it’s hard to snap from that mindset into blissful pregnancy mode…at least that’s how it was for me and a few friends I have who went through IVF and RPL.
I think once we’ve belonged to the first group, we never really stop being aware of how easily we can slip between the two. I was only pregnant for 9 weeks and I never once felt resented by the infertility community, who were the only people I could share my pregnancy joys and fears with during that time. Try and believe in your pregnancy. Nobody will resent you for it… Anyone who has struggled as we have understands the fear and supports tough. We want you to succeed. I want to see people who’ve struggled with infertility have a baby. I want to see the success stories. It gives me hope. Congratulations!
This is what IF and RPL does…it changes you forever and it’s so unfair. Please know you aren’t alone and it’s ok to feel anxiety and even “survivors guilt”, but it’s also ok to be happy. Your IF sisters are happy for you bc happy endings give us hope. Much love to you and congrats!!